Feeling Like an Eggshell

Have you ever had a good day until things get too loud and too crazy?  You know the feeling when you just feel like you could just explode or at least crack?  Yeah, me too.  I love my family very much, but there are times when just coexisting with them in the same house can be overwhelming.  I’m sure that is in part due to my anxiety and depression as well as just who I am these days.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my family more than life itself and I wouldn’t do anything to hurt my relationship with them.  It’s just that sometimes I want to crawl back into a quiet corner and just be peaceful.  That would be so nice sometimes, but it doesn’t happen when there is always something that has to be done, or someone needs this from you or that from you.  Mom, I need lunch money.  Mom, I can’t find my shoes.  You have to know where everything is and what’s going on in everyone’s world.  AGGHHHHH…

Living with depression just zaps the life right out of you.  You don’t have the energy to do everything or know where everything is.  Heck, you sometimes don’t think getting out of bed is really an option for your day, but when you have kids that rely on you? Well, you don’t have a choice. There are times I think that if just one more person asks one more person asks anything more of me, I’ll crack, like an eggshell.  I feel fragile and insecure.  Those feelings pass, but what if they didn’t? I’m able to work through them and move on now. I have the tools to do that, and I’m lucky to have a wonderful husband and great kids, but when I’m working, I just feel like I need some quiet “me” time.

I get very stressed out with my job anymore.  It’s not because I don’t like what I do, it’s because of the changes in how things are at work.  Changes are happening everywhere in my field and I know I’m not the first one to say, it just isn’t all that good. I’m a nurse and we are always having to do more work with less. It’s the times we live in and all the healthcare reform.  It’s also a statement about society as a whole.  I’m not saying all the changes have been terrible, but the working more with less concept certainly is.  They call it “working smarter”.  Rubbish! I do everything I’m asked and I still feel that it’s never going to be enough.  Then I come home and still feel like I’m not enough. How is anyone supposed to have good self esteem when that is what they face on a daily basis? Well, when you already have self esteem issues, it ain’t easy, but it’s all part of this life, so you move on.  You deal with one thing at a time and learn to take care of yourself so that you can tackle one thing at a time while taking care of yourself.

Is there an answer to the work problem?  I know there is.  The problem with that is that no one really wants to hear the answers because it will cost them more money to fix the problems in productive society. My answer in my tiny world is to work outside my home less.  I know what I can and can’t handle.  It doesn’t make me a less than stellar human being.  I pitch in and I’m a team player who tries to help my coworker as much as I can.  The bottom line though is this, I have to make sure to take care of me. I can’t take care of anyone else if I don’t take care of me first. I am enough.  I am far more than enough.  I am fabulous and I have people who love me.  Most of all, I also have learned to love myself.

If you don’t take care of yourself in today’s fast paced society, you will get lost in the shuffle of life.  Be kind to others and believe in their goodness.  Be kind to yourself.  Treat others as you want and expect to be treated but don’t be disappointed when they don’t treat you in the same manner.  Realize that they may be going through hell, a hell that you know nothing about.  If you treat them with absolute kindness and mercy, they will remember that and it may come back to you tenfold.  Work hard.  For that matter, whatever you do, always do it to the best of your ability and give it everything you have.

These are my tips for getting through life.  They are my life lessons, if you will.  This is how I deal with feeling so fragile that I feel as though they will break.  No one wants to go through that   Trust me on that one.  I have been there.  I came, I saw and I have nearly conquered those demons.  Nearly.  I will battle my anxiety and depression for the rest of my life, but with these tools, I can face the day and work out side my home.  I can be a better mother and wife as well.  As my mom always said  “Kill them with kindness!” Now there is food for thought!

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