Trials and Tribulations and Anxiety

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Tomorrow and Tuesday are very big days for me.  I have to say they are rather like milestones of their own kind.  Tomorrow I will put away my mom uniform of leggings and cute shirts to replace them with scrubs for the first time in over 6 months.  So much has happened in the last 6 months and I have truly changed since I last hung up those scrubs which used to identify me.  They identified all of who I was really.  Now, they simply represent what I do for a living.  Tomorrow I will begin afresh.  I have a new job which is exciting, yet daunting all at the same time.

I’m very anxious about starting a new job.  I haven’t started a new job in over 10 years and that was because I moved.  When I moved, I was starting a job that was just like the job I was already doing, just in a new city, which happened to be my home town.  No problem, just new people and a few new things to learn.  This time, I’m going to be learning a job that is very different from what I’ve been doing for 15 years.  Now what?  So here I sit, knowing I need sleep, knowing I’ll be alright, but being scared and anxious about something I’m actually really excited for.  It makes me want to scream and cry and just jump up and down all at the same time, but it also makes me want to hide under my covers and never come out again.  That’s what my Monday looks like.

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Then, there’s my Tuesday.  I start my new job on Monday and then have Tuesday and Wednesday off because of my pancreas  Yes, I realize that’s one hell of a way to start a new job.  Thankfully, my new supervisor is wonderful and my new job is very flexible.  That’s why I took it.  My pancreas, however, is not so flexible.  It has a cystic area that has to be checked into further, hence my Tuesday and Wednesday off. I just want to be fully well again.  I’m tired of being sick and in pain.

I am having an endoscopic ultrasound and biopsy of my pancreas on Tuesday morning.  Basically, my gastroenterologist, Dr. Choppra, will go through my mouth with the big pipe, have a look all the way down with his camera and then take that scope out, put a new scope down and when he is in my stomach, hopefully, he will be able to biopsy the pancreas through the wall of the stomach to see if the cyst that is causing me pain has any cancerous or pre-cancerous cells in it.  Fun times.  My dad had something similar, strange, but true, because he had a pancreatic abscess but no cancer.  He was healed with simple antibiotics.  Yippee!  He was very ill after the biopsy, so I’m praying that i won’t be.  I will go back to work on Thursday.

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So that’s what I have to look forward to the next two days.  I have faith that God knows what is best for me and for my family.  I’m doing my very best to stay positive throughout all this pancreas stuff, but it sounds like I will be heading towards surgery soon to remove this annoying cyst that causes me pain.  All I know is that I want it out, gone, removed, to be an ex-cyst.

This too shall pass and greener pastures lie ahead.  That I am sure.  It’s just getting through the anxiety of the next two days.  I’m not even anxious about the procedure because I have complete faith in my doctor.  He is awesome.  It’s the job that has me more anxious.  I just want to fit in and do a good job. My anxiety is through the roof about tomorrow, but hey, I am back to being a nurse again.  It’s a step in the right direction, I think.

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