When Words Get in the Way

I am such an emotional person. I’ve wished a thousand times to be the cool, emotionless woman who keeps it all together and never cries. It would certainly help when in an emotional crisis and trying to get the right words to come out of my mouth. You know that feeling. That one when you know what you want to say but your emotions get the best of you and the words come out jumbled at best. What you wanted to say and what comes out are completely unrelated to each other.

Have yoenu ever known precisely what you were going to say because you had practiced the exchange in your head? But no matter how many times you practice, how many scenarios you think of, being in the moment is so utterly different.

I become a flustered mess whose emotions get the best of me every time. I either ending in tears of anger or sadness or frustration. Regardless, I’m the emotional mess who had great points 5 minutes earlier but now can’t speak because I’m so ridiculously emotional. 

It isn’t fair because no one takes me seriously either. Who would take a blubbering fool seriously? Would you, in all honesty? Probably not unless they were injured seriously. We aren’t crazy. We are passionate. We deserve to be heard and heeded. Our minds are full of compassion. This is why we feel so passionately about certan things. Enough to fight them! 

    We are honorable. If we say we will do something, it will be done. If I love something or someone enough to fight for them, I will fight till my last breath. The words get in the way, but I will always keep trying to use them!

    That Elusive Sleep and Other Short Tales

    Oh how I wish I could sleep like normal people. These days it just isn’t happening. Some nights are good, but this isn’t one of them. To top it off, I need the sleep. I’m headed out early in the morning with my brother and my dad to head out of town. 

    We are off to a memorial service of a very special woman, my cousin’s wife who lost her battle with cancer recently. She was an exceptionally wonderful and funny person, always so full of life. She fought valiantly to say the least and will be missed by so many. 

    As it is, if I were to fall asleep precisely in 3 minutes, I could get up to 4.5 hours of sleep. It’s a good thing I’m not driving, although I am a navigator since we recently were there at the same church for my sweet uncle’s funeral. My brother is driving and was out of town last time. Thank the good Lord above for GPS and Google maps!

    I continue to heal these days, but my mind and heart have been rather heavy which is why I haven’t written much. It isn’t anything about my health I’m particular, just that I want so much to be completely back to my old self and I grow so impatient sometimes. There have been a few other issues that burden my heart, but they are mine alone. All I can do is pray for that matter to eventually resolve itself.

    We celebrated dear Hubs’ birthday yesterday which was great. The cake that my middle 2 kids made was extraordinary! Bear was the baker and Bug was the sculptor! They even made their own marshmallow fondant! It was delicious too! I have to say, eating a cake so cute and named ‘Beau, the Otter’ is rather hard to do! 

    Thursday will mark Hubs and my 10th anniversary. I’m very excited. I can’t say we have anything planned. I’m actually just glad to  not be in a hospital and to be feeling better at this point. Sure, I wish we could do something special, but all I keep thinking is the medical bills will be coming soon. Very soon. I didn’t think we would be where we are at this point in our marriage, in fact, I pictured things quite differently. What I can tell You is this, we have had our own very unique and bumpy journey to get here, but it’s proven that our love is a forever love based on the right values and morals with a foundation of faith. I wouldn’t trade this man in for anything. No one else would or could put up with the highly emotional, sometimes irrational, often overthinking, loud-mouthed, opinionated, but thoroughly lovable me. Thank you Jim from the bottom of my heart, for always supporting me No matter what! I never truly understood love until I married you.

    Weekend Coffee Share

    If we were having coffee this weekend, I would be so happy since its been so long! I have had a very good week of recouperation since Monday, the day Pablo, my pancreatic drain, was removed. 

    Tuesday I went off to see my surgeon with my dad in tow. I figured having my own personal, retired surgeon by my side would be a prudent idea, just in case. Hubs was working Tuesday and dad is great to have gone with me. Dad spoke to my surgeon from one pro to another. 

    I am happy to report that with Pablo gone, I am finally able to work on getting my strength back. With walking and swimming, I should get back to my old self fairly soon. That is my hope so I can conquer the w orld, okay, well, go back to work. 

    I also wrote a few posts this week as well! This also shows that I am on the road to my fullest recovery. I realize, although I get frustrated, that this is a slow process, but as the saying goes, patience is a virtue, therefore I must be patient with myself. I shall get there. Things are still tiring. 

    My wondeful family came to see me from St. Louis yesterday. To see me! My cousin just lost his sweet and fabulous wife to cancer last week, yet here he was with one of his brothers and their mom, visiting me and my family. Tom and Barb were what I would call the perfecT couple. Barb will be missed greatly. She was so much fun to be around at family functions. Its hard to believe Such a bright and gloriously wonderful soul has been taken from us too soon. So, in Tom’s time of sorrow, he decided to visit me, to check on little old me.

    So there you have my week in review. What a week of positubes ending in a day of family love and support. What more could a girl ask for! So how was your week?

    A Ripple in Time

    Life is funny. I was 16 thirty summers ago. Such a carefree time of my life. I had my first job working as a waitress that summer.

    I had always loved everyone I met. I was also the most trusting and naive 16 year old thinking that people were naturally good. The people that. I worked with sprayed me with a hose and dumped me in a fountain just for the hell of it because they were bigger and stronger than me. I also had one of these co-workers keep bugging me for a date regardless of me telling him no repeatedly. That got ugly and I complained to my manager who just sort of laughed it off. Needless to say, I didn’t stay there long.

    I learned a lot though, all things being said. I learned to be stronger and how to deal with people very, very different from myself. I learned to be independent and to sort of manage money, well a little bit. I was really good at the spending part. 

    ———-

    Twenty years ago I was a brand new mom. I was married and was so excited to show off my beautiful baby girl to the world, all nearly 9 pounds. I felt like I had everything I could ever dream of having. A great husband, adorable baby, a home, and I would be starting a new job as an RN. How lucky could a girl be? 

     The summer of 1996 was magical indeed! Nothing could take away that kind of magic. I just wanted to keep that magic going. All the firsts out baby would and was performing. The hours of motherhood were tough, but I was tougher. My world was completely turned upside down by my little sweet bundle! 

    All the hopes and dreams that come along with becoming a mother for the first time fueled me. We try not to live our own unseen dreams through our children, but it’s hard not to sometimes. You see so many possibilities in this new life but they become their own individual over time.

    ————–

    Ten years ago this summer, I married my best friend. Together, we can conquer so much. I told Hubs once that I needed him to be my knight in shining armour. He, very casually, agreed. He is my fearless knight. He took on marriage full steam ahead and never looked back. Not only did he take on marriage to me, but he took on being a stepdad to 3 kids. Brave soul!

    We added to our newly formed family the following year with our little bundle of joy, our little 8 pound boy.  I talk about Hubs all the time, but truly we have learned through our own trials and tribulations that marriage is work, very hard work. It’s the work that brings us closer though. I know without a doubt that I could never be who I am now without the unending support of my number one fan, my husband. 

    ———

    This summer has had it’s own trials and tribulations. My health over the last few months has been nothing short of mind boggling for me. I’m now finally on the upswing! If I didn’t have my husband and my family, I would have been more depressed than ever. My good friends checked in on me and visited. My support has been outstanding. This is all because of the ripples left behind of things I’ve done, people I’ve met, places I’ve seen.

    We all leave ripples in our lives. Wee touch the lives of everyone we meet. It can be good or bad, even indifferent. You never know how the ripple will evolve. 

    I married that boyfriend from 30 years ago, but not until 10 years ago. The little baby that changed my life 20 years ago is all grown up and living her own life away from home. She has flown from my coop. Little ripples of life that change your destiny? Sometimes, perhaps. I just like to think of it as God’s plan for us. 

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    This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. Our host, Kristi, from findingninee.com came up with this week’s sentence about “ripples”.  Go check out the other great posts!

    Depth of a Complicated Child

    What do you do when your formerly easygoing child suddenly just begins to drive you crazy? Yes, it’s happening here. The depth of this is serious. He no longer finds joy in doing anything that involves leaving the house.

    Not wanting to leave to go to the activities he’s loved all this time worries me. One minute he is fine but soon it’s followed by “please, sell my equipment”.  Or whining incessantly about not going to a certain activity. You might think we would be the parents that overschedule activities, but, alas, he has two for the whole summer. He believes quitting is an option.

    So, what is a parent to do in this case? How do you get the world’s most headstrong child to go and follow through with the activities he personally chose to do? This is a very stressful time. This child signed up for VBS, a 3 hour a day, Monday through Friday event. He went 2 days and threw a fit for 40 minutes this morning making him miss the 3rd of 5 days! He even enjoyed the first 2 days. I’m saddened and lost with this child’s behavior over this one event, but at a loss for how to fix it. Hubs and I are so worn out.

    We will figure it out, but it has to be soon. I feel like I’m failing this child which hurts more than words. Discipline has always been interesting with him. He’s tested us. Believe me, we have done time outs, sent him to his room, taken away privelages. But this is different. When a child no longer wants to participate in the things he likes to do, something is wrong and I will figure it out…whether he likes it or not! He’s unhappy and we will get to the bottom of his problem.

    A Brand New Day!

    I was thinking of several things to write about over the last hour while the house has been blissfully asleep, but none of those subjects seemed to just flow from my mind or fingertips this morning. First, I will tell you, I’m feeling much better and, at long last, I’m on the road to recovery, barring any other small setbacks. For now though, I’m free! Pablo, my trusty drain, was removed Monday. Although it was certainly uncomfortable coming out due to it’s location, it was a heck of a lot better than going in! Now, at long last, nearly 7 weeks after my surgery, I can start to get stronger and get moving without reatrictioms! Hallelujah!

    In other news, well, summer is already half over and it is time for us to look forward to the new school year. Can you believe it? Stores have school supplies and school lists out. I, for one, am not ready to think of summer ending and school starting just yet. Don’t get me wrong, I love the routine of the school year, but I love the lazy days of summer just as much. This year, having been robbed of my summer this far, I’m ready to enjoy my summer at long last. Today is my brand new day! It’s the day I say, “carpe diem”! I have to get stronger, which is my new daily endeavor. I’ve discovered some days I’m still very tired, and other days I’m filled with energy. Today is a sleepy day, unfortunately, but I’ve been busy all week so far. I suppose every third day to rest at this point isn’t bad. One day at a time. I will heal and gain my strength back, one day at a time. 

    The Drive of Life

    My Hubs is a huge car fan.  He particularly loves old, British cars and very expensive, exotic cars.  He isn’t a muscle car kind of guy, but he certainly can appreciate them.  Over the many years I have known this man, I have learned many things about cars and have come to appreciate them myself, not to the extent that he does, of course, but I do appreciate them.  He is known around here as the “Tire Guru”, meaning, if you need any advice on which set of tires you should get for your car, he’s your man.  He can tell which kind of tires are on a car by the marks left in the snow, for heaven’s sake.  He has also been known to leave notes on cars for those poor souls who have low tire pressure, or those who have had the misfortune of having their tires put on backwards.  Yes, for those of you who were not aware, certain types of tires can be put on backwards making their purpose in life, well, impossible.  They can’t whisk away the water for instance if they are on incorrectly.  I have learned this from Hubs.  I am “in the know”!

    I promise, though, I won’t write about my very minimal car knowledge, but let’s just say, I have enough to get by.  Actually, the normal routine of cars around here goes something like this.  I ask a question which seems like a simple car question.  What I get instead of a simple answer is a complete dissertation of the mechanical workings of whatever part of the damn car I asked about.  Hubs, in return for his extraordinary effort, gets my “deer in caught in the headlights” look.  He has completely lost me by the second or third sentence most times.  I just wanted the simple answer, but God bless him for trying.  Our son could identify all Ford Mustangs, regardless of year, by the time he was two or three.  He could identify most brands shortly after that, making Daddy one proud papa. Again, I digress.

    This post is about what drives us in our lives. For some people it seems to be about success.  For others, it’s about religion, still others, family.  What makes people tick?  What drives us in our lives?  I have met so many people and yet, each person I meet is uniquely different.  I guess because of that, I can only tell you my thoughts and tell you what drives me.  Some days I have to admit, I don’t seem to have any drive at all, but in the end, here I am, so something drives me.

    I am and I’ve always been a people pleaser.  I love to make others happy.  My mother always taught me that giving was much better than receiving because you get so much more back.  She also saw in me that I was a giver.  I have to admit that I like to receive, too.  Who doesn’t?  But in my work, I find that giving my time to others is what brings me the most happiness in life.  Selfishness is something that makes me crazy.  I abhor it, yet I find myself being selfish at times.  They always say that the traits you dislike in others are usually the ones you need to work on.  I guess they’re right on that one.  I’m selfish when it comes to time and attention from my Hubs.  He really is the best.  While I have been so ill these last few months, he has been my rock.  I’ve realized that as long as he is there, I’m happy and satisfied.  I won’t say we always get along.  We are human, but we understand each other so well, that just by communicating, all is well in the world.

    My faith is also very important to me.  Let me tell you, it’s been tested quite a lot over the years, but no matter what, I always come back, and never once have I questioned God’s existence.  I know that God is a loving and forgiving God.  I know that I am a sinner and I pray every single day for forgiveness for my sins.  I sure hope he hears those prayers.  I have not been a perfect Catholic, but I am a repentant soul just trying to do the best I can and trying to do a little better each day.  I’ll never be perfect.  I don’t get to church everyday or anywhere near it.  In the last month and a half, due to my illness, I haven’t been at all.  I long to get back to the choir.  I miss it.  The point is, regardless of how many times I go to church, I still try my best to live my faith and to teach it to my children.  I often times feel like I have failed doing a good job in that department.  I haven’t lived up to the standards I set for myself.  That being said, my faith still drives me to do better and to try harder.

    My family drives me to be successful and to be a good role model.  I don’t always succeed but I keep my head up and keep on going.  Hubs and I have done our best to provide for our family, to create a safe home, to create a happy home.  It’s been a very difficult and rocky struggle throughout the years, but we finally have achieved a home environment that is something that we are proud of.  We have always loved our family very much, but for much of our married life, there were struggles.  This life is a hard one and like I always say, I am a work in progress.  We all are.  Hubs and I used to fight over stupid things that didn’t really matter.  I finally realized that it was me that was instigating the madness.  There was no reason for it.  It was me trying to live in a house where everything was perfect.  The reality was, we needed a home that was lived in and not so perfect.  I had to realize that I was the problem.  That’s really hard to do, but once I did it, our lives began to transform.  Now, our house is a home of love and imperfection and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Now, I’m working on my impatience.  I have the drive to fix it because of the love I have for my family, but the struggle is undeniably difficult at times, especially when I’m tired and not feeling well and dealing with a 9 year old who is also tired and won’t give up the battle. Ugh!

    If only I could get in a car, a really nice car, and drive off to be serviced for my own imperfections… Well, nice thought that is, but I will continue to strive to fix me.  Right now, I’m still recovering from that blasted surgery and it’s complications.  I know once I am able to get out and about again, I will get a new outlook too.  I’ve had far too much time in my house this summer, but I’m feeling much better and ready to have some good times.  I’m ready to build up my strength and get back to work again.  So, that’s my story.  What drives you?

    There’s a Storm Brewing

    Have you ever felt like your mind is a storm brewing? I have. Not for any particular reason either. Sometimes, my mind just feels like a stupendous storm cloud building up energy, ready to release a downpour of torrential emotions instead of rain, for no reason other than not feeling myself, I suppose. Perhaps I’m just having one it “those” days. Usually I’m not feeling well or getting sick and simply don’t know it yet. Regardless, those storms of emotions play havoc in my life.

    I’m sure I’m not the only one that has emotional storms that brew. If they do come to surface, I inevitably will erupt thunderously with a fury. It isn’t pretty, but what storm that knocks trees down is really considered attractive? I will immediately end up with a downpour of years for several reasons. First, it’s a release of pent up emotion that has been brewing inside, unable to find the proper outlet. Second, I’m ultimately so sorry for anyone that has been caught in my storm’s path. Unfortunately, it’s usually my ever faithful and always trusted husband. I always apologize to him because it is not fair. Luckily for me, however, he is the most forgiving and humble man. He always says it’s his fault even though he hasn’t done anything to deserve my storm. He just happened to be in it’s path. 

    I have gotten better over the last year. I’ve learned to understand and recognize that sometimes this will happen and I have to accept my great flaw. I have to see that this is part of my depression and luckily doesn’t happen very often. I’m the work in progress and nothing worth having comes easy. Well, this journey is not easy, but I thank God that I have my husband by my side to get me through and to understand and put up with my storms. Lucky for me that he sees the sunny days that are so worth those storms.

    Cowardice

    Being courageous is a scarcity in this day and age. I can be courageous but I wish I was more courageous than I am. I’m faced with many challenges these days. Some of them I face head on with grace and dignity. Others, well, I find them very difficult.  I’m just human afterall. I think that’s what it is anyway. A product of all that I have been raised to be mixed with my environment. 

    Today’s society scares the heck out of me really. It is so vastly different from the world I knew as a child. Back then, I knew where I stood and times were easier overall. I was also sheltered and naive. But really, times were much simpler with no social media, no mobile phones, no computers. We had landlines and got together with our friends. We went to the movies, went outside, just got together and really talked to each other when we were teenagers. Our fun was listening to music and collecting band posters from magazines. There was the dawn of MTV and music videos.

    Today, we are faced with so much violence and negativity and social justice is everywhere. The prejudices remain and seem to be even worse than ever. I worry about this. I worry about the world and the future for my children. How can we be courageous and not be judged harshly by this world? Its not even me I’m concerned for. Its my family.  The written word van be misconstrued so easily and one can read something into the written word that was never intended. We are opinionated and my worry is that if we are courageous and take our stand for the right and just, will we be the persecuted? I can take it, but to see my children suffer? That would kill me.

    So then, would it be better to be a coward and taken the easy road and stick to the mainstream way? Is it better to create a world where good prevails and what is right, even if it means a difficult path, is fought for? I say be courageous. Fight for the good and right path. I will fight with my children and for their rights. 

    I don’t always see eye to eye with my kids, but what parent does. In the end though, I have raised fighters. Independent and brave warriors for a better world. The future is theirs to make better when I am gone from this world. For now, I will pray for them and for this world that we may find peace. I pray for them that they find and create the world of acceptance and love which they desire and deserve. In my years experience it does me No good to be bitter or cynical thinking that their goals can not be achieved. I want peace as well. I just wish I could find some peace in the news instead of the violence and unrest in this world. So, you ask if I’m a coward? Yes, maybe I am, but I’m working hard to be brave like my children. It gets harder each year, but I won’t give up. I promise.

    Summer Is…

    Summer is my favorite season. It always has been. With the exception of this summer, it means swimming, playing outside, spending warm summer evenings with friends and kids outside. In essence, it’s a time for renewal and reconnection that we aren’t afforded while we are stuck indoors on cold winter days.

    Summer is a time to play in my garden and watch things grow. I love watching things grow.This year, due to my health, I didn’t even get my tomatoes in the garden and my entire garden looks like a den of weeds, as I’ve been unable to tend my beautiful pride and joy. I do miss sitting there in the mornings to have my coffee, but I hope to be able to tend it soon.
    Summer is a time to spend with family. When I was growing up, I was very fortunate to be able to go on holidays with my family. We went to my family’s home in Ireland. I learned to work on the farm and I loved every moment. I not only got to meet my cousins far away, I got to have wonderful relationships with them. I have to tell you that family truly is everything to me. Growing up in a town where I had no cousins, I loved and appreciated those holidays to make the special bonds with my cousins more than you could imagine. Probably even more so since I had no sister growing up. I have only the one older brother who means the world to me, but I always longed for a sister. I saw the bonds with my cousins as if I had sisters for those weeks we were together. I know they couldn’t understand that since they all had sisters of their own, but I treasured their “sisterhood” in those summers more than anything you could put a price tag on.

    One of my favorite Summertime activities is to play with my son in the back by my garden while having my coffee in the mornings. You see, he’s a secret agent and I’m headquarters. I’m base command with the computer. He’s going to save the world and sniper the bad guys with his stick rifles. Ah, his imagination. Sometimes it’s an alien invasion. It’s how boys think. You can not change that. He wants to protect and serve. I miss that this summer very, very much. I don’t miss the silly game, I miss spending the quality time with the boy I love most, my boy. He, like all boys, grows too fast. He’s my baby boy and he’s the only boy I have. He’s my youngest child. Now, he’s been reduced to getting things for me This summer. He’s been caring for me instead of the other way around. He’s wonderful too, just like his father. 

    Summertime is generally healthy time. This year? Well, it’s more of a let’s not succumb to these wretched pancreatic surgery post-op complications summer. It technically is a get healthy summer, although I’m unable to swim and unable to even walk very far. I’m finally on the mend, I think, provided there are no more complications. I was even able to stay up past 9:30 PM last night. Not much longer, but I’m beginning to heal I think. 

    Summer will remain my favorite season. I long to take a nice dip in the pool. I’d love to get on the tennis court. After all that I’ve been through this summer, I appreciate summer and life even more. 

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    This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. This week’s sentence was “Summer is…” and as usual, our host is the extraordinary, Kristi. Check out everyone else’s posts! It’s always a fun read!