Alone on My Island

For the first time in my life, I find writing daunting to me. I feel as though I’ve been placed upon a desserted island and I’ll never be rescued. It isn’t that the thoughts aren’t in my head as much as it is the sheer effort of putting it into writing at the moment that is my problem.

I honestly would not wish my last month on anyone.  I’m so tired and each time I think I’m making progress, I’m somehow shut down yet again. Complications arise. It will end. I know it will. But just for today, I’d like to be normal again. Just now, my island is filled with pain, loneliness and some boredom. I feel very isolated which is to be expected, but it has been so long.

My Hubs has taken me out for a drive, but I am exhausted after returning, unable to do much of anything only to return to my island. The simplest things seem so difficult and take so much time to  recover from.  I took my first walk down the street. I made it 4 houses and back. I felt completely done. I was lightheaded yet so proud of my accomplishment. The next day, I was useless once again.

This makes me champion for all those who live like this everyday. They make no big deal over living peacefully in this alternate universe of pain and ultimate boredom. They try to keep busy and interested in the world around them. I know I try, but it is so hard sometimes. I’ve shed so many years just wondering if there is an end to this hell. Of I can escape this, my own private island of hell. Ever? For each positive step forward, it seems to take me back 2 sometimes 3. I feel like one of the lost souls on Gilligan’s Island. My problem is that I was shipwrecked alone. I’m trying my best to remain positive. Perhaps this week will bring positive things. This weekend, well, it’s not over yet.

10 thoughts on “Alone on My Island

  1. I will be praying for you. In the meantime, when I feel this way, I read this Psalm Chapter 27 over and over until it seeps out of myself.
    (A Psalm of David.) The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

    2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

    3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.

    4 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.

    5 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.

    6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.

    7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

    8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.

    9 Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.

    10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.

    11 Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.

    12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.

    13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

    14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

    May it bring you comfort in times of darkness.

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  2. Oh, how I wish I had seen this hours and hours ago…I’m not sure how I missed it. I think I can well understand what you are saying, and my heart and prayers go out to you. I wish things were different for you…the time in between things taking a turn for the better can be so demoralising….and, I hear you being strong and taking a positive view as you are able–and, you sure have a considerable capacity for optimism and gratitude–but, the reality is, we can’t always live in that head space…hence, the feeling of being exiled and marooned and washed up on the island time and time again. I’m proud of you for writing even though it doesn’t feel the same…you are courageous..little by little, you are inching your way forward….you are amazing and you will be okay…more than okay….your best days and years are ahead of you, my friend. ❤ Sending you much love 🙂

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  3. I have missed your posts! I have been scattered all over the place lately and keep thinking of you. So sorry your recovery is being so challenging, sorrier to read in another post that you lost your dear mom just a few short months ago. How proud she must be of you, plugging away and dealing with all of these issues. One step at a time sweetie ♥ Feel better and write soon. Do you still have Dexter in house or has he moved on? Love and hugs to you. Blessings, Laurie

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    1. Dexter passed away unexpectedly. I’m working on trying to write, but I’ve been so sick. It’s so difficult to be this ill when I’m used to being active. I think of my mom everyday. I just wish I could get a hug from her right now.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh Deirdre I’m sorry about Dexter.

        I never had a close relationship with my mother. I do miss my Nana dearly. When I miss her I try to remember all the things she’d say to me to encourage me and that made me feel loved. It is a blessing to have such a close relationship with your mom ♥ Write when you’re able. We’ll all be watching for your next post. 🙂

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