It’s Been A While…


I haven’t written in quite a long time.  In fact, it’s been months.  It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, but I was in a dark place for the last few months.  Depression is a terrible disease that haunts my life from time to time.  Luckily, there is medication that truly helps me but needs to be adjusted from time to time.  It was past time this particular time.

I have been in the darkness before, but this was the darkest of times.  Never have I contemplated my purpose on this earth or lack thereof.  This time was different. I looked at my family and thought they would be much better without me around.  Still, luckily, I was able to dig my way out and not take any action on these negative and dark thoughts.

The fact that I cried every day just goes along with the depression.  I couldn’t find any joy in life.  I just went through the motions of life without actually living for months.  I found myself trying to find a reason to get out of bed and not being able to most days.  Even leaving my bed to go to the kitchen to find something to eat was more than I could bear some days.  I wouldn’t wish this disease on anyone.

Somehow, by the grace of God, I knew what I had to do, although I had so much self doubt that I didn’t believe anything could draw me out of such a state of despair.  My physician is amazing and luckily, I responded well to the increase in medication.  Some people aren’t so lucky.  Some don’t look for help.  Some take their lives.  I understand now.

 I managed to go to work. My co-workers were not privy to the inner workings of my darkened mind. In fact, I felt better there. I felt more whole and needed but it was so hard to get there each day. 

Depression hurts not only the person suffering from it, but their loved ones too. I know my family were at a loss as to what to do about me. I didn’t know at times. If someone you know suffers from depression,  get them the help they need. Call a doctor. Call a counselor. Call a hot line. Get help before it’s too late. We often won’t tell you how bad it really is.

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