Time For a New Me

Ever feel like you’ve tried everything to lose weight and you just are stuck losing the same 3 or 4 pounds over and over? I’ve been a yo-yo dieter for my whole adult life. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety, and aches and pains that I couldn’t explain. It simply isn’t fair that some people were born with skinny genes and I wasn’t. Well, at least that’s how I used to think.

I have started a fabulous program and I want to share it with everyone because I feel great and I’m only on day 3! I know what you’re thinking, ‘but how will you feel later?’. Let me tell you, this program is for real! It’s not some snake oil. It’s for life. It’s a wellness program. Yes! 

In my first 8 days I expect to lose anywhere from 6-16 pounds. You read that correctly. It’s not a typo. That’s the results promised by this program. If you don’t like the program, you get your money back! What do I have to lose! 

Let me tell you, so far I feel terrific. Last night, I slept better than I have in a very, very long time. Usually, I wake up frequently and can’t get back to sleep. Last night, on those few occasions I woke to use the bathroom, I went right back to sleep! No more up for hours of sleepless internet surfing between 2-5AM! How cool is that!

I haven’t been hungry at all unless it’s time to eat again. I will weigh tomorrow again to see how much I’ve lost after the 3 days then I’ll tell you, but I already feel better. My energy is increasing daily. I’m already off one med that I was on for weight loss. That med alone could have caused damage to my heart. I didn’t like how it made me feel. Now, I can tell you, I feel different and that difference is much better.

Life is too short to waste it feeling sluggish, downright tired most of the time and being overweight or simply obese. I, for one, am choosing to make a change in my life for the better and these products are doing just that, all nearly packaged in a little red box. I was skeptical at first, but after just these 2 days, my skepticism is gone! This little red box is saving my life. The support is amazing as well.

 I’ll let you know how my journey goes as it unfolds, but let me tell you, since January I have been under a physician’s care to lose weight and only lost 11 pounds. 11 pounds in 5 long and tedious months. Hooray for my little red box!

It’s Been A While…


I haven’t written in quite a long time.  In fact, it’s been months.  It’s not that I haven’t had anything to say, but I was in a dark place for the last few months.  Depression is a terrible disease that haunts my life from time to time.  Luckily, there is medication that truly helps me but needs to be adjusted from time to time.  It was past time this particular time.

I have been in the darkness before, but this was the darkest of times.  Never have I contemplated my purpose on this earth or lack thereof.  This time was different. I looked at my family and thought they would be much better without me around.  Still, luckily, I was able to dig my way out and not take any action on these negative and dark thoughts.

The fact that I cried every day just goes along with the depression.  I couldn’t find any joy in life.  I just went through the motions of life without actually living for months.  I found myself trying to find a reason to get out of bed and not being able to most days.  Even leaving my bed to go to the kitchen to find something to eat was more than I could bear some days.  I wouldn’t wish this disease on anyone.

Somehow, by the grace of God, I knew what I had to do, although I had so much self doubt that I didn’t believe anything could draw me out of such a state of despair.  My physician is amazing and luckily, I responded well to the increase in medication.  Some people aren’t so lucky.  Some don’t look for help.  Some take their lives.  I understand now.

 I managed to go to work. My co-workers were not privy to the inner workings of my darkened mind. In fact, I felt better there. I felt more whole and needed but it was so hard to get there each day. 

Depression hurts not only the person suffering from it, but their loved ones too. I know my family were at a loss as to what to do about me. I didn’t know at times. If someone you know suffers from depression,  get them the help they need. Call a doctor. Call a counselor. Call a hot line. Get help before it’s too late. We often won’t tell you how bad it really is.

That Elusive Sleep and Other Short Tales

Oh how I wish I could sleep like normal people. These days it just isn’t happening. Some nights are good, but this isn’t one of them. To top it off, I need the sleep. I’m headed out early in the morning with my brother and my dad to head out of town. 

We are off to a memorial service of a very special woman, my cousin’s wife who lost her battle with cancer recently. She was an exceptionally wonderful and funny person, always so full of life. She fought valiantly to say the least and will be missed by so many. 

As it is, if I were to fall asleep precisely in 3 minutes, I could get up to 4.5 hours of sleep. It’s a good thing I’m not driving, although I am a navigator since we recently were there at the same church for my sweet uncle’s funeral. My brother is driving and was out of town last time. Thank the good Lord above for GPS and Google maps!

I continue to heal these days, but my mind and heart have been rather heavy which is why I haven’t written much. It isn’t anything about my health I’m particular, just that I want so much to be completely back to my old self and I grow so impatient sometimes. There have been a few other issues that burden my heart, but they are mine alone. All I can do is pray for that matter to eventually resolve itself.

We celebrated dear Hubs’ birthday yesterday which was great. The cake that my middle 2 kids made was extraordinary! Bear was the baker and Bug was the sculptor! They even made their own marshmallow fondant! It was delicious too! I have to say, eating a cake so cute and named ‘Beau, the Otter’ is rather hard to do! 

Thursday will mark Hubs and my 10th anniversary. I’m very excited. I can’t say we have anything planned. I’m actually just glad to  not be in a hospital and to be feeling better at this point. Sure, I wish we could do something special, but all I keep thinking is the medical bills will be coming soon. Very soon. I didn’t think we would be where we are at this point in our marriage, in fact, I pictured things quite differently. What I can tell You is this, we have had our own very unique and bumpy journey to get here, but it’s proven that our love is a forever love based on the right values and morals with a foundation of faith. I wouldn’t trade this man in for anything. No one else would or could put up with the highly emotional, sometimes irrational, often overthinking, loud-mouthed, opinionated, but thoroughly lovable me. Thank you Jim from the bottom of my heart, for always supporting me No matter what! I never truly understood love until I married you.

There’s a Storm Brewing

Have you ever felt like your mind is a storm brewing? I have. Not for any particular reason either. Sometimes, my mind just feels like a stupendous storm cloud building up energy, ready to release a downpour of torrential emotions instead of rain, for no reason other than not feeling myself, I suppose. Perhaps I’m just having one it “those” days. Usually I’m not feeling well or getting sick and simply don’t know it yet. Regardless, those storms of emotions play havoc in my life.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that has emotional storms that brew. If they do come to surface, I inevitably will erupt thunderously with a fury. It isn’t pretty, but what storm that knocks trees down is really considered attractive? I will immediately end up with a downpour of years for several reasons. First, it’s a release of pent up emotion that has been brewing inside, unable to find the proper outlet. Second, I’m ultimately so sorry for anyone that has been caught in my storm’s path. Unfortunately, it’s usually my ever faithful and always trusted husband. I always apologize to him because it is not fair. Luckily for me, however, he is the most forgiving and humble man. He always says it’s his fault even though he hasn’t done anything to deserve my storm. He just happened to be in it’s path. 

I have gotten better over the last year. I’ve learned to understand and recognize that sometimes this will happen and I have to accept my great flaw. I have to see that this is part of my depression and luckily doesn’t happen very often. I’m the work in progress and nothing worth having comes easy. Well, this journey is not easy, but I thank God that I have my husband by my side to get me through and to understand and put up with my storms. Lucky for me that he sees the sunny days that are so worth those storms.

Yesterday was Tense

Surgery is bad enough but when faced with normal mom things and an extraordinary mom thing, well, let’s just say making it through the day was so difficult. Tears were shed, questioning of why today spilled forward from my mouth. The best thing was my fantastic husband saving the day, as usual. I love the man more each day.

My son hit his head while swimming in the side of the pool and had a fierce headache. He never lost consciousness but was very lethargic and vomited. We, meaning, the ultra pathetic, having-a-super-bad-day me took him to the ER. After nearly 4 hours and a CT and vomiting again a couple times, we got to go home. The boy had a miraculous recovery and I could finally get some relief of my own.

The last two days have been tough with one thing after another. I know that eventually I’ll get my life back. It seems like it will never happen, especially when I have to be mom like yesterday.

As my life is now, I keep track of when I take medicine and food on a chart. I monitor my weight on a chart. I’ve lost 9 pounds since my Surgery, of my pre-op weight and since I was so fluid overloaded after surgery I’ve lost 19 since then. This is a major struggle which I’m battling. It will be okay in the end, but who knew I’d miss my spleen and half of my pancreas so much! I’m glad it is gone actually, I just wish I could feel better faster. It will come but boy I feel like I’m such a grump and that’s just not me.

#8thabdominalsurgery, #nomorepancreas,

P.S. I surely can’t have much more they remove!

I’m Just Tired

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Having been under the weather since March has given me a whole new sense of what it feels like for those who suffer from lifelong daily pain. After just 3 months of this and I am just so tired of it. I just want to throw in the towel sometimes. Other times I’m okay. Tonight, I’m simply done. I want my life back. I’m just so tired of it all.

I know, for me, there is an end in sight. I know my pain will end. It can’t come soon enough and yet there are times, like tonight, when I just don’t feel any better. I just don’t want to have to take another damn pill. I hate how they make me feel. I hate what they do to my dreams. I want to sleep longer than a few hours and wake refreshed and pain free. What a great feeling that will be. It’s coming. I know it is, but tonight I keep wondering if it will ever get here.

I can’t imagine going through all of this without my loving husband by my side. He asks why I’m crying and just holds me. I cry because I hurt. I cry because I feel like I can’t go on hurting. He makes this better and easier to deal with. For those people that have no one and have to go through chronic pain alone? I pray for someone to be there for them.

Pain is the most subjective thing we own. No one can truly measure pain on another person. It is what we say it is. I know I can handle a great deal of pain, or so people tell me, and continue to do so even though it is lessened every day. It isn’t fair to judge another’s pain either. People do it often though. I can only say that my appreciation for and sympathy for those whose pain is chronic in nature has grown exponentially over these last 3 months.

With this, I ask that if you know someone with chronic pain, hug them for a long time and tell them how much you love them. You would be amazed at how much the power of love can help pain. The power of touch is truly one of the strongest pain suppressants for me. A hug can raise the levels of serotonin in your brain and help you feel so much better, so go hug someone today. Be the pain reliever and antidepressant all rolled into one. That’s what healing touch does. That’s what a hug is.

Just writing this and sharing with you the struggles of pain and what you can do to help, has helped raise my spirits. I will be fine. I know this takes time and I’m on the upswing of this illness. Next month it should be all back to my normal life, whatever that is! Now, go hug people! Everyone, including you, will feel better!

The Darkness Lingers

The darkness lingers still .

I write and I am chastised.

I speak my mind

I am chastised for what I say.

I don’t understand yet I understand parts of it.

I can’t understand it all yet I want to with all my heart.

I ponder about that a very long time.

This is hard, so hard.

My heart breaks, my mind yearns for answers

my soul searches for peace.

What happened to the simple times?

I just want to love and to be loved.

I just want to understand,

but I will forever be in the darkness.

Sauna Land and Sadness

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The joy of cold ice water! Nothing is better after surgery! Well as much as this is true, there is also nothing quite like the A/C going out at home when you get home to recover from 4 days in the hospital. It’s 90 degrees here and we have opened our windows and placed fans on high to let fresh air in.  My goodness. The heat!

I’ve been feeling depressed a bit lately but I understand what the reason is behind it. The way I see it is this. First, it’s fun visiting mom in the hospital. It’s even fun getting things for her, at first when she gets home from the hospital. But the fun wears off quickly as it infringes on day to day life of everyone else. Mom is left feeling like a burden with surgical restrictions and then the air conditioner decided that this is the time to play dead.

Yes, great timing since it’s summer and 90 degrees. To add to this, mom calls asleep doing everything. When she’s awake she isn’t feeling well. Imagine, major surgery with physical restrictions followed by the air conditioner in the blink in high summer temps. Now imagine, if you will, mom’s temperature goes up. Could there be an infection, too? Really that would explain the crabbiness, but she’s crabby and super emotional and no one seems to really take notice of ask why.

The problem you see, is that everyone is so caught up in their own little world’s that the love and caring of each other seems to have flown away with the air conditioner.  I wish these were the only things going on in my house but there is a much larger and much more private issue we are all trying to wrap out heads around. I won’t write about it now and I may not do so ever, but maybe one day I will be able to. It’s just one more thing in our cauldron of craziness. It’s another reason I ask myself each day what exactly did I do to deserve this life as opposed to another life?

I digress again. I’m feeling depressed and sorry for myself instead of my usual upbeat positive self. I need to get out of this funk. I usually face my challenges head on, but today, in this heat, I want nothing to do with them. I feel beaten and completely defeated by the world. I feel numb yet in pain at the same time.

I hate living with my depression and it hasn’t reared it’s ugly head in a good while so why not do it now, right? Just when things were good. I know I’ll get through this. I know I’ll be fine, but I hate feeling this way. I hate when self talk won’t work and my motivation seems to be amiss. Well, to tell the truth, it’s rather MIA. I have my faith in God that will bring me out of this and it can’t happen soon enough. Its early going now, so I have to get a handle on it before it debilitates me again. My family needs a mama and I need my family.

Signed So Sad in Saunaland

When Friends Count

images (16)Lately, I’ve been feeling very down.  I know it’s not unusual for me to get this way but this time it’s been for a multitude of reasons.  If you’ve read any of my other posts, you know I’m a ridiculous worrier.  I worry about things and overthink everything.  Even when writing, I worry if anyone is really interested in the things I write.  Does anyone actually care?  I tend to write from my heart and my life experiences, so it makes me wonder is my life really interesting to anyone besides the people that know me?

I can tell you, it’s been rough lately.  I look at the numbers of those that visit my blogs.  I have the poetry blog and realize that not only do most people not visit it, no one ever comments on it, not even my Facebook friends.  Some of the poetry is good in my opinion and I will admit, some of it is, well, not particularly exciting.  If I’m lucky, I may have 5 or 6 people visit it on a good day.  I feel like quitting.  Then there is this blog.  My main blog. This is where I pour out my heart and soul and tell the world what’s on my mind.  I have a goal.  I have some followers.

images (55)I have those that read my blog and some leave me comments.  One has definitely become my friend.  She lifts my soul when I feel like I should just throw in the towel.  Trulyunplugged is her name on here and she is an amazing author.  I know her as Truly.  Her comments are encouraging and incredible.  She raises my spirit and actually, this morning, she brought tears of joy to my eyes.  I can’t tell you what her friendship means to me.  She lightens my heart, always knows the right thing to say and encourages me to continue writing when I think that no one really wants to read what I have to say.

I have a few friends that I know that always read my blogs that have been friends of mine for years.  They are on facebook and I love when they comment that they’ve enjoyed what they’ve read.  I love making that connection with people.  I love seeing that people have read and liked what they’ve read, but even more that what I’ve written has resonated with them somehow.  It’s all part of being human.  We all need to make connections with others.

So, I guess I’m no different from anyone else, I just feel it more than some, I suppose.  Thank you all for those of you who read my posts.  Thank you for liking and commenting.  I learn more everyday and I will persist.

Life Just Isn’t Fair Sometimes

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Dexter and Felix last week.

This week has been one of those weeks, which isn’t good since it’s only Monday.  The problem with this week is that it’s attached to last week.  Last week, we received the little blessings of 2 beautiful baby squirrels to rehabilitate since their mother was sick, fell out of her nest and then was eaten by a dog.  We lost Felix in the wee hours yesterday morning.  This morning, I was so frightened that we may lose Dexter as well.  I can’t lose another baby squirrel.  Oh, did I mention that we also lost the little hamster we had for 2 days? Yes, I’ve quite frankly had enough of death of small, cute, furry creatures for a while.

When I looked at my little Dexter, I saw him not moving around like he was yesterday. I saw him starting to scoot his front paws instead of actually using them to climb, like he was yesterday.  I was so frightened.  All I could do was cry.

My wonderful 14 year old, Katie, took over squirrel care for me and I took a break from the world for awhile.  She fed him and also found a site which explained exactly what was going on with our baby, Dexter!  It’s on Squirreltales.org and I am praying that I can help our baby make it through this awful disease now that I have the tools to do so.

What our baby seems to have is Metabolic Bone disease and it’s basically a calcium deficiency.  I’m reading everything I can now on how to help him. I’ve given him his first calcium supplement and pray that by morning I will see a difference.  I have to get some avocados though.  I can’t believe I’m out of them.  Me, of all people, out of avocados!   Apparently, if I hand feed my sweet little Dexter the calcium laden avocado, he’ll love it. I’m sure hoping so because the first thing I noticed was his appetite declining.

I managed to give him his dose mixed with some pedialyte tonight, and I will give him the remainder of it at the next feed since he’s not been too terribly interested in his normal foods and is just as happy to have his formula.  Hopefully the special biscuits will come tomorrow and will help him as well. Ah the things we do to rehab the wee ones.

I pray that Dexter will recover from this.  It is a very painful condition as it debilitates their tiny bodies.  If the answer is calcium, I can do that.  I would do anything to rehab this little guy.  He will be released into the wild if we can get him that far, but that is our job in all this.  We are simply a stone in the path of his tiny life to building his little fortress.  I’m just praying we can do it.  I can’t have my nearly nine year old and myself crying to bits yet again!  We haven’t even gotten over Felix yet.