Agree to Disagree

Whatever happened to freedom of speech? Why is it that some people get so upset when they disagree with something someone posts on social media? Well, my friends, I’m sick of all the craziness. Why can’t we all just get along and agree to disagree? 

Recently, I did something I never do. I posted something on Facebook that was political. It was something that made me angry. A friend of mine commented and asked me to take it down. I have no idea what happened, but later, I looked and it was gone. What the heck? Indidnt remove it but someone must have complained about it. Regardless, it wasn’t even that bad. I don’t say anything that I wouldn’t say normally in normal company and this had to do with my profession. If it was not a true statement by said candidate then my apologies, but I’m still not impressed by that particular candidate. 

The thing is what makes it alright for everyone else to voice their opinions but not me? Why can’t we just be civil and disagree like adults? If I were saying something negative against the opposite candidate I known for a fact my comment would have been left alone. Again, what the heck? I’m more than a little annoyed by all this but not surprised. I’m simply asking my friends to respect my rights as an American citizen to voice my opinion and leave it alone. Enough said on that subject.

What has become of our nation? It was once perfectly alright to voice your opinion no matter which side of the political fence you were on. Now it seems that unless you are on the correct side of that fence you will offend someone and they will no longer value you in the same way they once did. What a sad state of affairs we have. That being said, I’m really not that enthused by either of the candidates this year but I will vote and let my voice be heard in the ballot box. Not here or on social media ever again. To all my “friends”, my opinion matters just as much as yours does even if I do happen to disagree with you on this one matter. Please let me have my right to share my opinions just as I let you have yours without complaint or comment. Just keep on scrolling if you don’t agree and keep it happy out there.

Fathers and Sons

When the kids drove your spouse crazy and you don’t know what’s going on, it’s like a bomb has gone off in your otherwise peaceful home. At least that’s what it feels like I’m mine. Life happens when things get crazy sometimes. My house is no different than anyone else’s. 

Tonight was one of those nights and my husband’s temper flared. All I know is that while I was in the bathtub, my 9 year old came and poked his nose in to tell me dad was mean and a big dummy. Meanwhile I heard more interesting comments coming from my husband’s direction aimed towards the boy. What is a mom to do? Well, calm the boy and yell that the hubs is not saying very nice things.

Lord give me strength to get through this. That’s my prayer for these little occasions and somehow I always find the strength to muddle through and figure out what happened. Tonight was different though. I enjoyed my bath and let them get through it without meddling too much. I have no idea what the madness was about and furthernore, I don’t care. I’m chalking it up to hubs being tired and therefore cranky and the boy, well, he’s just a typical 9 year old boy.

I suppose for many, myself included, it’s so difficult to be that strong parent with the golden touch when you’re tired. Some people are just naturally prone to being tired. Luckily, I’m usually not one of them, but I have my moments. Sometimes we’ve just had a bad day and unfortunately sometimes our kids just know which buttons to push. I know my 9 year old certainly does. Luckily though. He is resilient like most kids. The two resolved their issue without me which makes me so happy. Then move my hubs has for his son is immense. If only kids realized that love earlier. I think they get it sometimes, but it’s hard in this extraordinarily busy and crazy world we live in. 

The moral to my story? Well, I suppose as mom’s we try to fix everything. Its just what we do. Sometimes it’s okay to let them fix their problems all by themselves without getting involved. They can do it and it will strengthen their relationship in the long run.

Sauna Land and Sadness

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The joy of cold ice water! Nothing is better after surgery! Well as much as this is true, there is also nothing quite like the A/C going out at home when you get home to recover from 4 days in the hospital. It’s 90 degrees here and we have opened our windows and placed fans on high to let fresh air in.  My goodness. The heat!

I’ve been feeling depressed a bit lately but I understand what the reason is behind it. The way I see it is this. First, it’s fun visiting mom in the hospital. It’s even fun getting things for her, at first when she gets home from the hospital. But the fun wears off quickly as it infringes on day to day life of everyone else. Mom is left feeling like a burden with surgical restrictions and then the air conditioner decided that this is the time to play dead.

Yes, great timing since it’s summer and 90 degrees. To add to this, mom calls asleep doing everything. When she’s awake she isn’t feeling well. Imagine, major surgery with physical restrictions followed by the air conditioner in the blink in high summer temps. Now imagine, if you will, mom’s temperature goes up. Could there be an infection, too? Really that would explain the crabbiness, but she’s crabby and super emotional and no one seems to really take notice of ask why.

The problem you see, is that everyone is so caught up in their own little world’s that the love and caring of each other seems to have flown away with the air conditioner.  I wish these were the only things going on in my house but there is a much larger and much more private issue we are all trying to wrap out heads around. I won’t write about it now and I may not do so ever, but maybe one day I will be able to. It’s just one more thing in our cauldron of craziness. It’s another reason I ask myself each day what exactly did I do to deserve this life as opposed to another life?

I digress again. I’m feeling depressed and sorry for myself instead of my usual upbeat positive self. I need to get out of this funk. I usually face my challenges head on, but today, in this heat, I want nothing to do with them. I feel beaten and completely defeated by the world. I feel numb yet in pain at the same time.

I hate living with my depression and it hasn’t reared it’s ugly head in a good while so why not do it now, right? Just when things were good. I know I’ll get through this. I know I’ll be fine, but I hate feeling this way. I hate when self talk won’t work and my motivation seems to be amiss. Well, to tell the truth, it’s rather MIA. I have my faith in God that will bring me out of this and it can’t happen soon enough. Its early going now, so I have to get a handle on it before it debilitates me again. My family needs a mama and I need my family.

Signed So Sad in Saunaland

Today’s Stressor

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This is exactly how I feel! Stressed beyond stressed! We have an appraisal guy coming today. That was totally unexpected, for one thing. I am so not impressed! We have 2 hours to get this house in order and it’s far from it! HELP! CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY!

I hate the unexpected things in life, especially when it comes to my house. We are firm believers in actually living in our house so, our home would never grace the pages of any Home and Garden magazine. I do try, but with my kids and those from the neighborhood always here, it just isn’t happening.

Lord help me to get this together today, somehow! Just had to share this briefly. This is my biggest pet peeve but unless I get mean, there is no rest for the already weary.

Blessings, my friends,
Deirdre

And I’m Off…

I don’t have to awake yet. Why am I not asleep! It’s nerves again. I’m nervous that I’m having pain again and surgery isn’t until 6/3! Somehow I’ll manage but why do I have to wait so long, I ask myself.

I also, finally have my computer class today and tomorrow for work. I’ve been waiting for nearly a month! Yes, an entire long and arduous month of waiting for results. A month! If I had opted to have them repeat testing and monitoring the damn thing, It would be time to repeat the follow up on the esophageal ultrasound and biopsy practically after this cyst.

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I’m in the middle of my computer class and it’s hard to stay awake. Its fast-paced and yet a bit boring. Well, not really boring it’s more trying to follow along and less hands on. My old eyes have a hard time adjusting from the screen of the computer to the large screen at the front of the room! It’s early and it’s dark in this room. Help!

I’m excited to have this class at last! It opens up so much more for me and allows me to feel useful at work at last. That is a wonderful feeling! The problem is that there’s so much to learn! Well I have to learn it. I want to learn the software quickly.

I’m such a worrier it drives me crazy. I worry all the time what others will think. I wonder constantly about what people of any influence think of me. I am trying to change this about myself but it’s difficult.

I know this stems from my own self doubt. My low self esteem. That’s where the majority of my issues come from, although I’ve made strides thanks to self kindness and my family. My family helps me face my flaws and I’m learning to be accountable for me. I’m a work in progress but I’m getting there. I’m a much different person than I was this time last year. Thank God for miracles and understanding families!

We All Have Faults

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While talking to my daughter tonight, I was reminded that I do indeed, have many faults.  It’s not that we spent our phone conversation discussing faults or, in fact arguing.  We had, by contrast, a delightful conversation. I love my daughter very much but we don’t always get along.  In fact, I have to say, she’s much happier living where she is now than when she was living here at home.  She now lives with her dad.  The reason, you ask? The answer is me.  I am the reason.

I have said before that I am a work in progress.  I have so many faults I don’t know where to begin.  It was my oldest daughter’s recommendation that I open up about my faults to show you that I’m not some pretentious “fake” person who writes about things and pretends to some perfect person.  Those people don’t exist.  So, I will tell you, I have a hard time admitting my faults.  This will be difficult, but I thought this was a great idea.  It’s a great way to grow as a person.  You are my audience and I appreciate you.  I appreciate any input you have to help me along this journey of growth, too.

As I said, I don’t admit my faults well.  In fact, I really suck at admitting I’m wrong most of the time.  I’m opinionated.  I’m obstinante. I cry easily and I yell when I’m upset, a lot.  I don’t just yell, I yell really mean and often hurtful things at the people I love.  I’m trying to work on this, but it’s so hard.  Why am I like this?  God, what I wouldn’t give to know the answer to that.

Image result for human flawsI hate that I get so upset so easily.  I don’t remember always being like this either.  I used to be very easy going.  I used to get upset, but over time, I guess I developed this terrible habit of yelling when I’d cry and say hurtful things because I was hurting.  How awful I feel too. I have to say this is my most hated trait about myself, especially since most people see me as this bubbly, happy person on the outside of my house.  They don’t see the hurt, evil, mean me.  And I am very mean when I’m angry.  The problem is, when I’m mean and angry, it’s always because I am feeling like I’ve been wronged somehow even when it isn’t true.

I take everything that my family does personally.  If the kids don’t listen, it’s a personal attack on the kind of mother I am.  Stupid, I know, but there it is.  If my husband doesn’t want my affection because he is exhauseted or not feeling well, then I’m too fat and he doesn’t love me anymore.  See, somehow, it’s my fault.  I am the cause of my problem and what my family doesn’t know is that I already know that I am my own worst enemy.

I’m working on being kind.  I’ve always been kind to others.  It’s one of my best traits.  Now, I have to work on being kind to myself, especially when I’m feeling hurt or angry.  I’m working on being kinder to my family, but sometimes that’s really hard.  I find it reallyl hard to have unrelenting patience with the kids when they just can’t seem to listen the first time they are asked to do something.  “Please” is something I’m learning to use when I ask them to do a chore, but often it doesn’t seem to get them moving any faster.  I do beat myself up over it later, after I’ve yelled at them, but I hope I’m improving as a mom.  I screw up daily, but I’m human.  God help me please.  I am only human and I’m learning every day.