The Normal Life

If I close my eyes, I think of what a wonderful life I’ve been blessed with. You see, the last few months have been unusually difficult. I keep waiting for the storm clouds to disintegrate and the warm, blue, sunny skies of a normal life to take over. I’m beginning to think that day may never get here, or may never arrive at all.

Six months ago, I lost my beautiful, vibrant and brilliant best friend, my mom. She and I had differences from time to time, but what child doesn’t? We always worked them out.

Just after mom died, dad was misdiagnosed with cancer. Luckily for all of us, he had an abscess that looked like cancer. He healed well with antibiotics. When that was through, dad had a very important eye surgery. He is now able to see where he could not before surgery.

And then there is me. I have been sick since March, Easter week to be precise. I’m still sick, but hoping and praying that the end is near. I’m tired. I’m so tired of the pain. I’m tired of just feeling sort of alright. I am tired of my house and relying on others. I’m tired of new problems cropping up. I’m just so tired.

So when I close my eyes, I imagine myself free from pain, free from my house, usually swimming or running or playing like I did as a kid. I see myself able to focus on life for more than 5 minutes. I want to run outside and play with my kids. I want to take my dogs on a walk. I just want to relish my normal life. The same life I took for granted. I will never take it for granted again. That is a promise after this ordeal.

My home is a sanctuary to me, but now it’s become my prison. It’s become the place I wish I wasn’t. I’m trapped. I can’t enjoy my summer because of how I feel. I couldn’t go swimming, my favorite thing to do, because I have a drain in my belly.

The summer will be over and still won’t be back at the job I love because of this, or so I fear. Will I ever heal? I will, eventually. Right now, though, it’s so difficult. I’ll keep my eyes closed and keep dreaming, perhaps. I’ll dream of ordinary and how in love and miss ordinary.
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As I Was Growing and Changing

Summers filled with swimming at the swimming pool, playing tennis with my friends, playing outside until the last lightning bug was caught.  Ahhh, those were the days.  I remember them so well.  The carefree days of long, long ago.  No bills to pay, no getting up for work, no one to have to take care of.  It’s not that I would have things any other way than the way they are now, it’s just, well, some days, just some, I’d like to go back in time to visit the old days that I couldn’t wait to get out of.

When we are eight, we long to be nine.  I thought that being nine must be the coolest age ever.  I could never explain my fascination with the age of nine, but for me, I thought that nine year olds could do anything.  In my head, I had it imagined that they stayed up later, they had more independence.  It was just way cooler to be nine. Until, of course, I became nine and nothing at all changed in my life, except that I could say that I was nine.


When I was 14, I thought the world started when you became 16.  You could drive and work!  Wow, I could get a job and by golly, I would get a job as a waitress because that’s what Mary H, my mom’s friend’s daughter did.  She got one at Wag’s Restaurant and she made tips.  Everyone knew that if you made tips, you made good money.  What a life it must be if you were 16, driving and had a job that made tips.

That is exactly what I did.  Well, in the summer.  I wasn’t allowed to work during the school year.  And I got that job at Wag’s.  I wasn’t that great, but I always tried my hardest. I also was introduced to harassment, weird people hitting on me, spilling 5 cups of water on my manager and not making so much in tips that I was rolling in dough.  I worked all the time and boy, were my legs tired, but I had a job and I was so very proud of that.


Eighteen must be where it’s at.    Then you’re an adult.  Then you don’t have to listen to your parents anymore.  They are always ragging about what they want you to do.  It sucks enough that all your friends got to go away for college and your 2 choices were both in town for nursing school, so they could keep an eye on you.  You know that they said “We don’t think you’re quite ready to go away just yet” means, you can’t handle it and we are going to micromanage your life just that much more.  God help me.  I just want to be an adult already.  When will they loosen those apron strings?


I’m twenty-one, on my own and loving it, but this is so hard.  It’s hard to keep track of the bills.  I thought I’d have more money to have fun with.  God, they always treated me like such a child.  I’ll prove them wrong though.  I really will.  When I get married E and I will do just fine.  We’ll be so happy together.  They’ll see.  If he ever asks me.


Well, I’m married and it’s been a rough start.  I sure hope he does really love me as much as he said he does.  He spends a lot of his time with his friends.  My friends come to visit me, but not as much anymore now that we are having a baby.  At least I have his sister.  I’m almost done with school.  At least I finally have made my own friends here.  It’s taken me forever since all his friends are just his gamer friends and are not like me.  I’m 26 now.


Five years have past and we have 3 little girls now.  They are my life.  He’s a good father, but our relationship is awkward sometimes.  It seems to work though.  I think.  My girls are precious though.  My oldest just started kindergarten, my second one is in preschool and my 3rd is a newborn.  September 11, 2001 just happened and it’s a tragedy of epic proportions.  The world as we know it will never be the same.  I am a great mom and a nurse, but I fear I’m not a great wife anymore.  We just seem to go through the motions a lot.  It must be because the kids are small and take up so much time.


Another 6 years have elapsed.  My marriage is in ruins.  My husband left.  I don’t understand.  This is all I’ve ever wanted.  What did I do?  How did this happen?


July 28, 2006 I am marrying the man of my dreams.  Actually, he is the one I dated for 6 years through junior high, high school and part of college.  Then I dumped him.  I was bored and thought he didn’t love me.  The truth is, he never stopped loving me.  He was the one I went swimming with and played tennis with all those years ago.  He understands me like my ex-husband never did.  He is the love of my life and we will weather any storm.  We know that marriage is hard work, but he waited from 1989 until now for me.  Not that he didn’t date, but he’s only loved me.  Me! Sometimes things are better the second time around.  We hope to get pregnant as soon as possible because I’m not getting any younger.  I’m 36.  I’m a beautiful bride, even if I say so myself.


April 27,2007 Baby boy is born.  Well it certainly didn’t take us long to get pregnant.  The boy was a honey moon boy.  What a perfect, 8#, 20 inch long baby boy.  His lips are like rose buds.  He’s perfect and looks like his daddy.  I’ve never been happier and I am so happy to say that my family is finally complete.


This summer will be our 10th anniversary and I grow more in love with my husband everyday.  I can’t tell you that I wish the divorce didn’t happen, but my first marriage was not the fit that this one is.  We fit each other like a pair of old well worn kid gloves.  My husband makes me very happy and we understand each other.  It’s also so nice to have him to reminisce with about the good old days.  The day he got so mad at this brat of a kid that he dumped water on him at the tennis courts and chased him all the way to the pool where he promptly got kicked out.  He was defending his brother and myself.  Always my knight in shining armor.  My hero.  Sometimes he remembers my stories, other times he doesn’t, but he always listens to them anyway.  I thank God for this man every day and for the family I’ve been given.

Growing up is great when you’re young, but you’re always in such a rush to grow up.  Such a shame knowing what I know now.  I wish I hadn’t always wanted to be the most independent woman that I have become.  Just another reason to love Hubs I guess.  He lets me rely on him, a lot!


 


This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post with your host, Kristi from www.findingninee.com

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The News is So…

You know, normally I participate in Finish the Sentence Friday from Thursday nights so it’s available to read all weekend long.  This week, my heart and my body weren’t cooperating with me.  I couldn’t stay awake enough to write anything substantial for one thing.  My heart was torn as to what to write about on this subject.  This is a Finish the Sentence Friday hosted by the wonderfully magnificent, Kristi. The sentence this week is “When it comes to the news…”

I’ve given this subject great thought over the last few days and really, the only thought that comes back to me again and again, is that I have learned to hate the news.  There are no feel good stories.  There are no stories of triumphs over the odds.  There is only sadness, tragedy and how screwed up our country has become.

As a small child, I watched the news with my parents at dinner and again at 10 PM if I was still up.  The news was always on.  My parents got the newspaper and I read it.  I doubt I’d read it now.  For one thing, the paper is half as thick and doesn’t cover things well, at least not in our area.  It also costs $300 to put a standard obituary in the newspaper here. What a crock! It was only $50 to put my wedding in 23 years ago.

These days, if by chance I turn on the news, I am bombarded with tragedy all over the world, sadness at home, and politicians enough to kick me in the butt and knock me into next Tuesday.  I can read the news at my leisure on the internet, at my choosing.  My husband, on the other hand, is a news junkie.  He can never get enough news.  He loves politics which I feel are like watching trained baboons speaking from teleprompters and hating each other.  They change their minds like a fashionista changes her shoes.

So, there is my take on the news.  I loathe watching it anymore.  Just today, another horrible shooting that leaves 50 dead and 53 injured last I checked.  Just for being gay.  They couldn’t help being gay anymore than I can help the fact that I have blue eyes.  Hate, Religion, it’s all intolerance and stupidity and downright hatred of humanity.  That’s why I don’t want to watch the news.  I’ll hear about it anyway whether I want to or not.  I can’t live in a glass bubble either.  It surrounds us all.  Isn’t there anything that is positive in this world anymore?  There used to be.

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And Of These Roots…

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Our family circa about 1978 or so at Mackinac Island Grand Hotel

Many years ago, in 1955 and 1960, my father and mother came to this country.  They had known each other in the old country.  In fact, they had known each other since the age of 12.  The old country I speak of is Ireland.  The land known for it’s 40 shades of green, shamrocks, leprechauns, rainbows, and pots of gold.  Well, that’s what Americans think of. When I think of Ireland, I think of family, specifically, my family.  I am fiercely proud of the family I come from, or rather was adopted into.  It is the greatest family I could ever ask for.

My mother came from the midlands of Ireland.  Specifically, she was born in Mullingar, County West Meath, Ireland.  She was the eldest of 5 siblings, of which there were 2 girls and 3 boys.  My mother, who was so full of life, was adventurous, athletic, slim and feisty.  She had the hardest time sitting still.  In fact, resting never seemed to be part of her vocabulary.

Mom grew up a tomboy, but with 3 younger brothers to keep in line, it’s really no wonder.  With her athletic abilities and small stature, she had to be quick, and she was.  Did I mention she was also the tiniest of the 5 siblings in her house?  Her dad was 6’4″ and her mother was 5’10”, but mom topped out at a mere 5’5.5″ and in her 86 years on this earth, she maintained her height.  Good bones.  No osteoporosis for her!  Man do I wish I shared her genes.  We lost my mom to a hemorrhagic stroke 6 months ago.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her and miss her so much.  I long to hear her laugh and talk to her just one last time.

Dad grew up in the west of Ireland.  Mom’s family moved to the west when she was 12.  It was through business of their father’s that my parents met each other.  Dad hadn’t noticed mom so much, but mom had already put her sights on him at a young age.  Dad was one of 8 siblings and dad was towards the younger of the lot.  He’s such a brilliant man and it all started when he was a kid.

Dad was the kid with his nose always in the books, as they say.  Always studying, studying, studying.  Mom thought “this one is going somewhere”. She also found him extremely cute with his jet black hair and hazel eyes.  He was the one wearing glasses in all the photos of long ago. I’ve seen the photos.  Such a cutie patootie.

Mom would go out to the Walsh farm for her holidays and was very close to dad’s sisters. It didn’t mean she wasn’t noticing the cutie though.  I may be adopted, but let me tell you, the apple didn’t fall far from that particular tree.  My husband and I have known each other since I was 10 and he was 12.  He had jet black hair and still, obviously, has his beautiful hazel eyes.  Kind of strange, isn’t it!

So, eventually, when they were of dating age, mom and dad were “courting”.  The thing is, education came first for both of them.  Mom’s family wasn’t a wealthy family so she went off to England and studied nursing.  She eventually studied Midwifery and delivered many babies.  I loved listening to those stories so much.  Another one of the things I miss so much about mom being gone. Dad, went off in a different direction.  He stayed in the west of Ireland and went to university to study medicine at University College Galway.

Okay, my husband, Canadian born, studied medicine at University College Dublin.  Yes, another similarity.  Also, my husband and my dad are not tall men.  They are both Irish, even though my Hubs was born in Newfoundland, so I married a good looking Irish guy.  Well, I think he’s gorgeous and that’s all that matters at the end of the day.  I promise, the 2 really aren’t that similar, but those are things I just happened to notice.  I have similar taste to my mom.  That was all I was implying.  Seriously!

Mom and dad were married much later than one would think.  Even though they knew each other for many years, dad made absolutely certain he could afford to marry her and take care of her well before he asked her the magic question.  They were married at the tender age of nearly 30.  Yes, can you imagine? She was beginning to thing he’d forgotten about her altogether.  They did have their happily-ever-after for 55 amazingly wonderful years.

Can you imagine knowing someone for over 70 years and then losing them?  That’s what my dad had to go through last November.  He did it with grace and peace like he  does everything in life.  He is the strongest, smartest and most faithful man I know besides my husband.  He taught me so many things in my life.  It’s because of my parents that I am who I am today.  I may not share the same genetic material as them, but as far as I’m concerned, I might as well.  I think living with the best parents in the world, although also the toughest, created me.  It formed me into a loving, generous, hardworking and faithful woman.  I am just a branch, but a strong branch, thanks to my roots.

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Hubs and me aged 19 and 17.  Oh, those were the days!

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post hosted by the lovely genius otherwise known as Kristi from www.findingninee.com.  We link up and share our work each week to finish one sentence.  Go check out the rest of the blogs and find out about our roots this week!

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I Am Who I Am

Ever wonder why your life is the way it is?  I know I sure have.  I wonder what would it be like if I had made different choices.  What if I hadn’t been given up for adoption.  What if I had married my husband the first time around, or if I had stayed married to my first husband.  Wow, my life would be so different.

Life is a series of happenings.  When my parents made the choice to adopt me, they said no to one other baby before me.  I could have had other parents altogether.  Instead, my parents decided that I was their baby girl.  They came to pick me up from the hospital when I was just 5 days old and I have been their daughter from that day forward. I had a happy childhood with summer holidays to Ireland, mostly, but also to California, Michigan, New York, Wisconsin.  I had trips to Florida and St. Louis and Chicago. I had piano lessons and tennis lessons.  Most importantly, I had a family that loved me.  They taught me to be strong in the face of adversity and to never give up.

I dated my husband back in high school.  We dated for a very long time.  Boy, was he a cutie.  Jet black hair, hazel eyes and the longest eyelashes you can imagine.  We dated all the way through high school and half way through college.  Then I dumped him.  Yes, I broke his heart.  He never really got over the fact that I did that, but somehow, after some time had passed, we rekindled our friendship and just remained friends for many years. I married someone else.

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When I had my first child, she was perfect.  I couldn’t wait till she got here and she was in no hurry to make her grand appearance.  She was nearly 3 weeks late.  My life had changed forever.  I was in awe of her perfect little body, her fingers, toes and sweet chubby cheeks.  Not only did my body change, she changed my whole world, forever.  She was followed by two more beautiful girls.  What a perfect family, until the divorce.

Getting divorced was a huge life change for me, as well as my girls.  We were starting over by moving back to my hometown and leaving the place where I had called home for 13.5 years.  We left both good and bad memories behind.  I had to create a new home for us, a new place of belonging without their dad.  That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but alas, I did what I thought was best under the circumstances.

Once things were settled down, I asked my high school sweetheart a very important question.  We had stayed in touch.  He had watched the girls grow up.  We were in the parking lot at Walmart, just the two of us.  We had met for lunch as usual, but unlike other times, I hadn’t brought the girls with me.  I told him that he had to promise first, not to laugh at me.  I asked him my question.  I asked, “Would you ever, possibly, ever remotely, consider, possibly, dating me again?” He laughed.  I couldn’t believe that he laughed, but he did.  He said yes, but the reason he laughed was because he couldn’t believe I had to ask him that.  Well, of course I did.

Shockingly enough, after knowing this man for most of my life, I married him.  We dated this time for only a few months.  He is my soulmate.  The second time around marriage works.  We even added a bouncing baby boy to our crew a year after our marriage.  I married the one who sticks with me through thick and thin and we’ve seen it all in the last 10 years.  I can’t tell you what I would do without my husband in my life.  I don’t even want to think about it.

This is my story. It is how I came to be where I am today.  It’s how I grew up to be the one I am now.  I am a lucky woman and even though my life hasn’t always gone as I planned it, I wouldn’t change a thing.

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This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday  post.  We do this every week and you could join us too!  The sentence to finish this week, was “I grew up to be the one I am now…” hosted by Kristi and the sentence thinker-upper, Upasna Sethi of Life Through my Bioscope.  Visit and have fun checking out what we do each week and join in the fun!

While I Was Sleeping

Have you ever woken up abruptly just wished you could fall back to sleep?  It happened to me this morning.  I always wish I could finish my dream.  I always want to know how they end! Sometimes I imagine what the ending would be if I had my choice.  Sometimes I think I might know how it would end.  Sometimes I think, well, sometimes I just want to forget the whole thing.

While I was sleeping early this morning, I dreamt the most delightful dream.  I was absolutely healthy again.  My surgery was over and I was back to the old me.  I had even lost my excess weight.  I dreamt that I was thin, like I was when I was younger.  I dreamt that with the loss of my distal pancreas and spleen, I was finally feeling awesome again and somehow, as if by magic, I was somehow fully engaged in life again.  What a fabulous dream it was until I was woken up.

I was woken up abruptly when it was time to be a normal mom again.  It happens every morning.  I wouldn’t change it for anything.  I wake up at the same time all week.  It’s a chore to get the boy ready, as he rarely wants to get up easily any more.  He used to fly out of bed, but somewhere along the way this year, he started getting lazy in the mornings, just like the rest of us.

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I had a chance to lay down again later this morning.  I was off today, a blessing since I had pain today.  I fell fast asleep and slept hard.  Again, I had a vivid dream.  I was rudely and abruptly awakened by my daughter who informed me that my other daughter was stranded at school without a ride home.  After taking a few minutes to get myself together, I dragged myself to the van and went to get her.  All I can remember about that dream, is that it was fast-paced and oh so vivid.

We all have dreams both awake and asleep.  While I’m awake, I know what my dreams are, but while I’m sleeping, I dream of the things I think and dream about while I’m awake.  I know that we dream about the things that need to be worked out in our waking life.  Somehow, our dreams help our subconscious mind to work out our problems.  Isn’t that just the coolest thing!  I think so, but then again, I’m pretty weird in the things I think are cool!  I’m an eclectic nerd and I’m happy being who I am.

I also suffer with insomnia.  I would say from, but it’s more of something that is part of who I am anymore.  I never know when it will strike me.  I may have 3 nights in a row where I sleep then 4 nights where I’m up for hours on end.  I never know what will happen when I lay my head down on the pillow.  I just always know I’m tired at night, until I lay down.  I love to dream and look forward to those moments of blissful sleep.  Alas, that evil entity, insomnia keeps me from those lovely dreams quite often.  My hope?  That this will one day pass.  What did you dream last night?  or today?  Not everyone has normal sleep hours.


This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post.  It’s hosted this week by Kristi of Findingninee.com and myself!  Check out Kristi’s site for more great writers!  You won’t be sorry!

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A Long Time Ago

20141013_225029A long time ago and far, far away, there lived a beautiful young maiden with golden hair and blue eyes.  She was a lovely child but lonely as she had only an older brother as a companion and not many friends.  She loved music and played piano very well.  She immersed herself in her music which made her different from her family because they enjoyed sports more than music.

Her summers were spent at the pool and playing tennis where she made friends easily with another family where there were other children her age.  In this family, there was another maiden who became her best friend along with her younger brother.  The three played everyday in the pool and spent carefree afternoons together and inseparable.  The golden haired maiden even began spending the night at their home.  A lifetime friendship had been made.  Little did the maiden know that her life would change because of this friendship.

One day, the maiden noticed a raven haired stranger with hazel eyes and the longest eyelashes she had ever seen sitting alone next to the pool.  He had a plaster cast on his leg and crutches next to him.  The look on his face was that of dismay, for anyone could tell he wanted desperately to go into the water with the other children, but was unable to join due to the cast upon his leg.

The maiden could tell that this must be another sibling of her two friends, as they were 2 of 5 children.  She was informed that this was their next older brother, James.  She thought how handsome he was.  His hair was jet black and wavy.  His eyes were lively and alert, and those eyelashes framed those beautiful eyes.  His lips were like rosebuds. She had never been attracted to any boy before like this before.  She was young.  She had plenty of time.  She didn’t give it much thought after that.

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Time went by and the attractive boy eventually was able to join them in the pool.  He started to play with them off and on.  He didn’t always join them, but as time went on, he spent more and more time with the three friends.  When the maiden went to spend the night with her friend, the other maiden, she found herself spending more and more time with James as the years went on.

Eventually, James’ family moved to another kingdom far away.  The maiden was devastated.  By this time, she knew that she loved James and James knew he loved her too.  They continued to write and visit each other often.  They were officially seeing each other by this time.  Years had past since those days at the pool.  They had known each other since James was 12 and the maiden was 10.

Now, they were both in college and the maiden was 19 and James was 21.  Then suddenly, the maiden decided she had had enough. One day, the maiden decided that James no longer loved her because he wouldn’t hold her hand in public or hug her in front of people.  Looking back, that was silly, but hindsight is 20/20.

The maiden dated few others and eventually fell deeply and madly in love with another.  After 3 years, she married.  Another 3 years and a child was born.  13 years after saying “I do”, however, and her marriage was over.  She was devastated and alone with 3 little girls.

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She had always maintained her friendship with James.  It was easy to do because he was so easy to talk to and such a good person.  Their relationship was based on respect and love. There had never been sex to complicate things.  James had never married because the maiden was his one and only true love.

When out to lunch one day, the maiden asked James if he would consider dating her again.  He laughed and said he couldn’t believe she had to ask. They were married the next year and have been married ever since.  A beautiful, bouncing, baby boy was added to the family the year after they made their vows to each other.  This is their happily ever after.  Sometimes dreams do come true.


This is part of Finish the Sentence Friday.  The host is always Kristi at www. findingninee.com where you can find the other fabulous links to complete this week’s sentence, “A long time ago and far, far away…”

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Sharing with the World

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When it comes to sharing online, we as a society have become a little, well, how do I say it? We over share. Not everything that happens in our lives needs to be online, but as humans we also have a need to share our lives with others. So, where do we draw the line? There are some rules and some things that should be rules.

Teenagers are notorious for over sharing online. I have seen this firsthand, as a mother of 3 teenage daughters! It happened twice. One time sharing too much affected my daughter negatively. Another time, another daughter was affected my her own comments made in anger that she regretted posting immediately after posting them. She tried to delete the comment but it was too late. The comment had been seen and spread like wildfire. All broken hearts made by hurtful comments eventually healed, but took a long, long time.

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People have a tendency to share so much on social media. I love to look at my friend’s photos and read the inspiring things they write or share. What I can’t stand, however, is people posting negative comments or fighting online. The whole idea of spreading negativity and rudeness drives me crazy! Do you really need to, or want to air your dirty laundry online for all to see?
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I do share quite a bit online, I admit, but I try to be very careful as well. I think before I write anything. I ask myself something that my mom used to tell me. She told me to ask myself several questions actually before I wrote anything. First, am I writing something nice and second, do you remember that once it’s written and read, you can’t take it back.

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Words are a wonderful tool for expression.  They communicate our thoughts, our feelings and our hopes and dreams, but we have to be very careful in what we share with the world, especially on the Web! Too much, and we risk losing so much! Showing some care in what we share and what we write will perhaps help our world to be a little more positive in such a negative time.


This is a Finish the Sentence Friday post.  This week’s sentence was “Sharing on the internet…” hosted as always by the phenomenal Kristi at http://www.findingninee.com.  Please visit her site and enjoy the other posts by my fellow authors on this subject as well as Kristi’s wonderful post.  I promise, you’ll be glad you visited!

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Hockey, Children and What?

Watching my son on the hockey rink tonight, I was filled with such love for him.  He is such a great kid.  I love all my children.  I am just at a time in my life where I can really enjoy watching this one grow.  He is so full of life and promise.  It amazes me so much each day when I listen to him and hear something new that he’s learned.

Just yesterday, I was watching something and on the screen, the actors said something about the French Revolution happening 40 years in the future.  My nearly nine year old looked at me and asked me if I knew about the French Revolution.  When I said yes, he told me that he did too.  He said that he learned about it in that class he hates, Social Studies.  I reminded him that Social Studies is cool, it’s really history and history is awesome.  Maybe he’ll like it next year.

I remember when his sisters were nearly nine.  I was in a different time in my life then, but still enjoyed my time with them, but it was a different time.  There were three of them and they are closer in age.  The age difference between the girls and the Boy is great and somehow, it just makes things different.

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This was his first time on the hockey rink.  He’s much more stylish now!

 

The Boy astounds me everyday, sometimes in a good way, sometimes a funny way and sometimes not such a good way.  I worry about him, a lot!  I fear for him, for me, really. I can’t imagine my life without him in it.  I can’t imagine my life without any of my children in it.

My greatest fear is something happening to my children.  All three of my girls have had surgery.  Somehow, being a nurse I was alright and calm through those.  I know how strong they are.  I know that for the most part they make good decisions in life, but I worry about some freak accident taking their life away from them, and from me.  I’m not sure I could survive losing my child.  And my son? My husband and I only have him.  My girls are from my previous marriage.  I fear that losing my son would tear my marriage apart.  If it didn’t kill me, how could we survive?  How would I survive?

I pray everyday for the health and wellness of my family.  I know that I can’t focus on the what if’s in this life.  If I didn’t have faith that God was a good and loving God, I don’t know what I would do.  My family is the most important thing in my life.  Losing my mom brought all those thoughts racing home to my heart.

I know that God must have sent Hubs to me to help me keep things logical and sane.  Can’t tell you how much that man keeps me grounded.  I know that most kids grow up and make a life for themselves and do just fine, but in my career, I’ve seen a great deal.  I’ve seen successes, hardships, failures, heartbreaks. The future is not for us to know.  All we can do is pray for the best and have faith that everything will turn out.  With 4 kids, I just pray I’m not tempting the odds with my sweet little boy.  He is the light of my life.


This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post.  The subject this week was

“One of my biggest fears I ever had to face…”

Feel free to use “One of my fears…” as well.

Hosts are Kristi from http://www.findingninee.com) and sentence-thinker upper Michelle Grewe of http://crumpetsandbollocks.com/

simple ftsf

My Greatest Fears

Everyone has hopes and dreams, desires and fears.  I have dreams of becoming a great author and hopes to become a great mom, yes, even after 20 years in the trenches of motherhood, I’m still hoping! I desire to be a great wife above all and I fear losing those I love.  That’s the meat and potatoes version, the lite version of my thoughts for today.  I really have lots of hopes, dreams, desires and fears, but  that’s the very essence of who I am.  I really have lots of fears that are related to my hopes, dreams and desires.  I believe we all do though.

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In dreaming of becoming a great author, I also fear the process.  I fear the rejection of my work.  It’s as if I don’t believe it’s ever good enough.  I know that there are many people who would say otherwise, but then there is the niggling little voice in my head who repeatedly questions me and asks,”who is really going to read anything you write?” or “why would anyone waste their time reading what you write?”.  I have been writing for the majority of my life, but I will admit that for much of my adult life I thought I wasn’t good enough and that no one would want to read what I had written.  When my mom was sick, however, I found out I was mistaken in thinking this.  I found myself surrounded by many who encouraged me to write.  I was encouraged to pursue my passion.  I still haven’t written my book, which my dad asks about frequently, but perhaps I will, when I’m ready to.  Instead, for now, I am enjoying this blogging world. I still fear that I’m not good enough, but I’m getting better.

download (14)As far as hope goes, I have many hopes.  Who doesn’t? I have been a mom for nearly 20 years and I’m still hoping (and dreaming) of becoming the greatest mom ever!  I think as moms, we all hope for that one.  But it’s more than that.  I want to be the mom that my kids are proud to have.  I hope that they are proud to have me as a mom, but sometimes I wonder.  I don’t think that comes until they are much older, really, like about 25-30 years old.  They still aren’t there, but one day, maybe.  Until then, I’ll just keep doing the best I can. I always fear that I’m never going to be that mom though.  I fear that they’ll always see someone else’s mom as better than me, but hopefully they won’t.

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My husband and I have a wonderful relationship but it’s been fraught with it’s own issues along the way.  Every relationship has those ups and downs in them, but it’s those that can survive the bad times and learn from them that survive.  My mom always said that marriage was not a fairy tale and happily ever after.  It’s filled with hard work.  Boy was she ever right!  My husband and I have been through a great deal in our marriage, but we are survivors.  I will definitely tell you I love him more today than I did yesterday and I will love him more tomorrow than I do today.  I still fear that he won’t love me though.  I know I am a difficult person to live with for sure.  I always worry about that.  I fear that every single day I am going to be too much for him.  I fear I would fall apart without him.  Not to be too corny, but I do feel that he does truly complete me and me, him.

We are complex individuals, we humans, filled with emotions, filled with hopes, dreams, desires and fears.  We don’t just simply come when called, do things for food, respond for reward.  We have needs and sometimes we are irrational.  Sometimes, most times are fears are irrational, but they are ours.  They make us who we are.  They give us things to work towards and to work on.  I will always be working towards my hopes, dreams and desires.  I will also always be trying to alleviate my fears, especially the irrational ones.  Thankfully, I have Hubs to always be by my side.  He is always my beside me in my crazy endeavors, so I guess he must not be going anywhere.  Fear relieved… for the moment.


This has been a post for Finish the Sentence Friday.  This week’s sentence was “One of my biggest fears I ever had to face” or “One of my fears”.  Hosts are Kristi from http://www.findingninee.com) and sentence-thinker upper Michelle Grewe of http://crumpetsandbollocks.com/

simple ftsf