That Elusive Sleep and Other Short Tales

Oh how I wish I could sleep like normal people. These days it just isn’t happening. Some nights are good, but this isn’t one of them. To top it off, I need the sleep. I’m headed out early in the morning with my brother and my dad to head out of town. 

We are off to a memorial service of a very special woman, my cousin’s wife who lost her battle with cancer recently. She was an exceptionally wonderful and funny person, always so full of life. She fought valiantly to say the least and will be missed by so many. 

As it is, if I were to fall asleep precisely in 3 minutes, I could get up to 4.5 hours of sleep. It’s a good thing I’m not driving, although I am a navigator since we recently were there at the same church for my sweet uncle’s funeral. My brother is driving and was out of town last time. Thank the good Lord above for GPS and Google maps!

I continue to heal these days, but my mind and heart have been rather heavy which is why I haven’t written much. It isn’t anything about my health I’m particular, just that I want so much to be completely back to my old self and I grow so impatient sometimes. There have been a few other issues that burden my heart, but they are mine alone. All I can do is pray for that matter to eventually resolve itself.

We celebrated dear Hubs’ birthday yesterday which was great. The cake that my middle 2 kids made was extraordinary! Bear was the baker and Bug was the sculptor! They even made their own marshmallow fondant! It was delicious too! I have to say, eating a cake so cute and named ‘Beau, the Otter’ is rather hard to do! 

Thursday will mark Hubs and my 10th anniversary. I’m very excited. I can’t say we have anything planned. I’m actually just glad to  not be in a hospital and to be feeling better at this point. Sure, I wish we could do something special, but all I keep thinking is the medical bills will be coming soon. Very soon. I didn’t think we would be where we are at this point in our marriage, in fact, I pictured things quite differently. What I can tell You is this, we have had our own very unique and bumpy journey to get here, but it’s proven that our love is a forever love based on the right values and morals with a foundation of faith. I wouldn’t trade this man in for anything. No one else would or could put up with the highly emotional, sometimes irrational, often overthinking, loud-mouthed, opinionated, but thoroughly lovable me. Thank you Jim from the bottom of my heart, for always supporting me No matter what! I never truly understood love until I married you.

The Normal Life

If I close my eyes, I think of what a wonderful life I’ve been blessed with. You see, the last few months have been unusually difficult. I keep waiting for the storm clouds to disintegrate and the warm, blue, sunny skies of a normal life to take over. I’m beginning to think that day may never get here, or may never arrive at all.

Six months ago, I lost my beautiful, vibrant and brilliant best friend, my mom. She and I had differences from time to time, but what child doesn’t? We always worked them out.

Just after mom died, dad was misdiagnosed with cancer. Luckily for all of us, he had an abscess that looked like cancer. He healed well with antibiotics. When that was through, dad had a very important eye surgery. He is now able to see where he could not before surgery.

And then there is me. I have been sick since March, Easter week to be precise. I’m still sick, but hoping and praying that the end is near. I’m tired. I’m so tired of the pain. I’m tired of just feeling sort of alright. I am tired of my house and relying on others. I’m tired of new problems cropping up. I’m just so tired.

So when I close my eyes, I imagine myself free from pain, free from my house, usually swimming or running or playing like I did as a kid. I see myself able to focus on life for more than 5 minutes. I want to run outside and play with my kids. I want to take my dogs on a walk. I just want to relish my normal life. The same life I took for granted. I will never take it for granted again. That is a promise after this ordeal.

My home is a sanctuary to me, but now it’s become my prison. It’s become the place I wish I wasn’t. I’m trapped. I can’t enjoy my summer because of how I feel. I couldn’t go swimming, my favorite thing to do, because I have a drain in my belly.

The summer will be over and still won’t be back at the job I love because of this, or so I fear. Will I ever heal? I will, eventually. Right now, though, it’s so difficult. I’ll keep my eyes closed and keep dreaming, perhaps. I’ll dream of ordinary and how in love and miss ordinary.
image

Still in Hospital

image

Yes, I know you feel neglected. I know that feeling all too well..I promise I’ll be back to drive you mad soon enough. For now, you will just have to look at some old posts.

Please don’t forget me though! I’m just a short time from returning. I just had to fight off a bit of an awful infection first. I’ve a drain in which is terribly terrible but I’ve named him Pablo, to keep my spirits up. I’ll have him about 2 -3 weeks. The site, where my stomach surgery had been 2 weeks before was feeling okay but not like it should, before Pablo.  Now, I’m starting to feel better. At last.

Before Pablo, I was having daily fevers. They weren’t very high fevers, but to this well-seasoned nurse, it was a certain sign that something was amiss and it was most certainly, an infection.

Thank God, for such wonderful inventions and all that we have! I had a CT scan and just like that the infection was found. Now, the not so jolly part. The healing…
It just takes time but it is hard to write while mending. I will be back! Try to keep me back! Until then, my love to you my sweet followers, and to new friends.

Still in Hospital

image

Yes, I know you feel neglected. I know that feeling all too well..I promise I’ll be back to drive you mad soon enough. For now, you will just have to look at some old posts.

Please don’t forget me though! I’m just a short time from returning. I just had to fight off a bit of an awful infection first. I’ve a drain in which is terribly terrible but I’ve named him Pablo, to keep my spirits up. I’ll have him about 2 -3 weeks. The site, where my stomach surgery had been 2 weeks before was feeling okay but not like it should, before Pablo.  Now, I’m starting to feel better. At last.

Before Pablo, I was having daily fevers. They weren’t very high fevers, but to this well-seasoned nurse, it was a certain sign that something was amiss and it was most certainly, an infection.

Thank God, for such wonderful inventions and all that we have! I had a CT scan and just like that the infection was found. Now, the not so jolly part. The healing…
It just takes time but it is hard to write while mending. I will be back! Try to keep me back! Until then, my love to you my sweet followers, and to new friends.

Sauna Land and Sadness

image

The joy of cold ice water! Nothing is better after surgery! Well as much as this is true, there is also nothing quite like the A/C going out at home when you get home to recover from 4 days in the hospital. It’s 90 degrees here and we have opened our windows and placed fans on high to let fresh air in.  My goodness. The heat!

I’ve been feeling depressed a bit lately but I understand what the reason is behind it. The way I see it is this. First, it’s fun visiting mom in the hospital. It’s even fun getting things for her, at first when she gets home from the hospital. But the fun wears off quickly as it infringes on day to day life of everyone else. Mom is left feeling like a burden with surgical restrictions and then the air conditioner decided that this is the time to play dead.

Yes, great timing since it’s summer and 90 degrees. To add to this, mom calls asleep doing everything. When she’s awake she isn’t feeling well. Imagine, major surgery with physical restrictions followed by the air conditioner in the blink in high summer temps. Now imagine, if you will, mom’s temperature goes up. Could there be an infection, too? Really that would explain the crabbiness, but she’s crabby and super emotional and no one seems to really take notice of ask why.

The problem you see, is that everyone is so caught up in their own little world’s that the love and caring of each other seems to have flown away with the air conditioner.  I wish these were the only things going on in my house but there is a much larger and much more private issue we are all trying to wrap out heads around. I won’t write about it now and I may not do so ever, but maybe one day I will be able to. It’s just one more thing in our cauldron of craziness. It’s another reason I ask myself each day what exactly did I do to deserve this life as opposed to another life?

I digress again. I’m feeling depressed and sorry for myself instead of my usual upbeat positive self. I need to get out of this funk. I usually face my challenges head on, but today, in this heat, I want nothing to do with them. I feel beaten and completely defeated by the world. I feel numb yet in pain at the same time.

I hate living with my depression and it hasn’t reared it’s ugly head in a good while so why not do it now, right? Just when things were good. I know I’ll get through this. I know I’ll be fine, but I hate feeling this way. I hate when self talk won’t work and my motivation seems to be amiss. Well, to tell the truth, it’s rather MIA. I have my faith in God that will bring me out of this and it can’t happen soon enough. Its early going now, so I have to get a handle on it before it debilitates me again. My family needs a mama and I need my family.

Signed So Sad in Saunaland

While I Was Sleeping

Have you ever woken up abruptly just wished you could fall back to sleep?  It happened to me this morning.  I always wish I could finish my dream.  I always want to know how they end! Sometimes I imagine what the ending would be if I had my choice.  Sometimes I think I might know how it would end.  Sometimes I think, well, sometimes I just want to forget the whole thing.

While I was sleeping early this morning, I dreamt the most delightful dream.  I was absolutely healthy again.  My surgery was over and I was back to the old me.  I had even lost my excess weight.  I dreamt that I was thin, like I was when I was younger.  I dreamt that with the loss of my distal pancreas and spleen, I was finally feeling awesome again and somehow, as if by magic, I was somehow fully engaged in life again.  What a fabulous dream it was until I was woken up.

I was woken up abruptly when it was time to be a normal mom again.  It happens every morning.  I wouldn’t change it for anything.  I wake up at the same time all week.  It’s a chore to get the boy ready, as he rarely wants to get up easily any more.  He used to fly out of bed, but somewhere along the way this year, he started getting lazy in the mornings, just like the rest of us.

Image result for dreams

I had a chance to lay down again later this morning.  I was off today, a blessing since I had pain today.  I fell fast asleep and slept hard.  Again, I had a vivid dream.  I was rudely and abruptly awakened by my daughter who informed me that my other daughter was stranded at school without a ride home.  After taking a few minutes to get myself together, I dragged myself to the van and went to get her.  All I can remember about that dream, is that it was fast-paced and oh so vivid.

We all have dreams both awake and asleep.  While I’m awake, I know what my dreams are, but while I’m sleeping, I dream of the things I think and dream about while I’m awake.  I know that we dream about the things that need to be worked out in our waking life.  Somehow, our dreams help our subconscious mind to work out our problems.  Isn’t that just the coolest thing!  I think so, but then again, I’m pretty weird in the things I think are cool!  I’m an eclectic nerd and I’m happy being who I am.

I also suffer with insomnia.  I would say from, but it’s more of something that is part of who I am anymore.  I never know when it will strike me.  I may have 3 nights in a row where I sleep then 4 nights where I’m up for hours on end.  I never know what will happen when I lay my head down on the pillow.  I just always know I’m tired at night, until I lay down.  I love to dream and look forward to those moments of blissful sleep.  Alas, that evil entity, insomnia keeps me from those lovely dreams quite often.  My hope?  That this will one day pass.  What did you dream last night?  or today?  Not everyone has normal sleep hours.


This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post.  It’s hosted this week by Kristi of Findingninee.com and myself!  Check out Kristi’s site for more great writers!  You won’t be sorry!

simple ftsf

Very Early Morning…Darn My Luck

image

The birds are singing their good morning song but the sun is still sleeping like I wish I was. I am at a stage where I really enjoy my sleep, but rarely get a full night of slumber. I so long for a good and full night’s rest, however, it seems that isn’t in the cards for me right now.

The result of this is that I’m tired during the day. So tired that it’s hard to stay awake during the day sometimes. I hate that I’m awake before my alarm goes off. Sometimes I need those few more minutes.

image

Then there are the other mornings where I wake totally refreshed and ready to face my day head on. I with this was one of those days but it’s not.

Alas, this is the day I find out about jury duty but while I’m at work. I will have to call again tonight and make these calls daily this week until my juror number is called to serve. This frustrates me and makes me anxious. I will be fine though.

For now. I will get ready for work and have breakfast and my coffee. Lots of coffee. I will get my son ready for school as usual. I will send my girls off with yet another check for school. Today will be a good day. I’ve decided it will be a good day. Attitude is one thing I can choose so I choose a good one for today.

image

Let’s see what today brings. Only one way to find out and that’s to get moving. Have a wonderful day today, where ever you happen to be!

Ah, the Hot Flashes

download (13)
Gotta love Maxine

A hot flash and I’m awake.  God save us all.  Well, those of us women who are going through menopause and those who have survived it understand this phenomenon.  For those of you who have this lovely path to look forward to, well, you will survive too, but it sucks.  Yes, those are very harsh words, my dear friends, but they are true.

I will tell you that there are lovely things out there that can help.  Medications, hormone therapy and the like, but me being me, well, I just have one medication that helps, usually.  It’s an antidepressant and it’s magnificent.  I started taking it after having my hysterectomy several years ago.  It helps with so many things.  I’m not crying all the time like I did immediately post operatively.  I usually can sleep, but not lately.  I usually don’t get these blasted hot flashes, except for lately.  Well, maybe it was great and just isn’t as wonderful as it once was.  I don’t cry anymore though and my mood is much improved.  There, reason enough.

images (32)

Tonight however, I’m not sleeping and I am having an annoying hot flash.  Lord have mercy, you can be absolutely frozen one minute and the very next one feel as though you’re on fire from your head to your toes.  It’s the only thing I just don’t understand.  I guess it’s just another reason we are the stronger of the two sexes.

Can you imagine men having to go through all the things we as women have to put up with?  And we start so young! First, we start our periods when we are mere babies, only to have to put up with that every 4 weeks, if we’re lucky and are regular, for decades just so we can have babies.

Can you really imagine a man having periods with the pain, the cramps, the headaches, the bleeding, the moodiness, the tampons!  It’s bad enough having to train men to go to the store and buy the pads and the tampons and  get it correct.  In my house we have myself and then there are my three daughters ages 19, 18 and 14.  Imagine my poor husband having to keep everyone happy in the feminine product line!  He’s really good and knows everyone’s preferences. Can you imagine though, if it was him that did the bleeding every month instead? I’m telling you, he’s a very strong man, but when he stubs a toe or hits his arm even remotely solidly on something, the “Ow” can be heard very clearly throughout this house.  Pain is not something he’s accustomed to. I suppose you could say, he just doesn’t do pain well.  He’d be writhing and in a ball for days if he had to have a period every month.

images (31)
One of my favorite sayings

Then there is me.  I’m the one that my girls say, “oh, you’re so lucky you don’t bleed anymore, mom.” Ha! If they only knew.  I had my share for enough years.  My time every month was wrought with such pain and there was no ibuprofen over the counter so I had to suck it up.  I didn’t stay home from school.  And there were plenty of times I bled through my clothes.  As if I’m so lucky? It got so bad at the end and I don’t miss that old saggy bag, AKA my uterus.  It served me well.  I have 4 beautiful children.  I am too old to have anymore now anyway.  I’ll wait, hopefully a very long time for grandchildren.  Then I can spoil them rotten!

Ah, hot flash averted once again.  Now, it’s back to my usual freezing self.  Poor hubs can’t understand why his normally freezing wife is suddenly hot and sweaty for mere moments of time.  It has to be difficult for the male of the species to understand us.  We are so complicated and awesome in all that we are.  And he  has to deal with me.  I’m not only complicated and awesome, I’m creative and anxious about life in general, but getting less so on the latter.  Talk about getting in a little deep.  He did that to himself, but says he wouldn’t change a thing. He’s a smart one, I’ll give him that.  Smart about giving me the right answers.dbbee6a4b1ad96765de6eed426fe372e

I can’t imagine being anyone other than who I am.  I am woman.  Hear me roar.  Well, sometimes I might just meow a little, but most days I will roar.  We women are very strong.  We’ve been created that way.  It takes a great deal of strength to go through life and have to deal with all the things we do every single day whether it’s being a mom, having a career or doing both, like me.  Every day is an adventure that we are blessed to have.

Of course we are strong because who else could handle having periods or going through menopause while just living life and getting on with things. Who else could have babies? The pain of carrying a child, never mind the labor and delivery. Certainly not men.  They’re too busy doing the manly things that they do.  Don’t ask me what exactly that is.  I really don’t understand them most of the time.  There are those men who try to keep up and do a good job, but as women, we need to be proud of who we are and go get them.  If you are a woman, you are a tigress!  Roar loud and be proud!

Sweet Slumber, I Miss Thee

Tending a baby squirrel is such hard work.  It’s like having a new baby in the house again.  The difference is that I’m much older now than when my children were born.  I simply don’t have the energy like I used to.  I really don’t know just how I did the lack of sleep for so long long ago, but I did as all parents do, just punt.

As I’m sitting here, I’m sitting in my bed still on a beautiful sunny, Saturday morning.  I can hear the birds singing their morning songs outside my windows as they call each other outside which to me is the epitome of Spring itself.  I’ve seen walkers with their dogs on leashes out for their morning walks and the few runners with determination in each step as they pass by my window.  I should be out there too, if for no other reason, than to work on my garden, but I’m here safely ensconced in my cocoon of covers because our little squirrel, Dexter had to be fed at 3 AM and I hadn’t been asleep yet. I also had passed on the chance to sleep afterwards until 4:30 AM.  Silly, silly, Deirdre!

Although I will get up and start my day shortly, it is so very comfy all cuddled up here.  I can’t do much if I can’t keep my eyes open anyway . I have so many things that need to get accomplished today.  There never seems to be enough time in the day to do it all or for that matter. or for that matter energy.

As for my little squirrel buddy, Dexter. he requires being fed formula every 4 hours.  I don’t mind, but that falls at 3 AM each night and again between 7 and 8 AM.  That never seems to be long enough in between for any great sleep.  Oh, it would be fine if life was great and the Boy would go to sleep at 9PM each night, but there I go dreaming again.  Last night was a rough one.  The Boy of nearly nine had a friend spend the night! The 2 boys were up until 2 AM so I was up waiting until they went to bed.  Thank goodness they weren’t up any longer than that.  I’d certainly be a walking zombie right now.  As it is, I just want to doze off to never never land for a bit and return when I’m fully refreshed and ready to feed Dexter again.  Dexter has a nice full tummy for the moment and is sleeping in a little ball, tail curled around him as he is fast asleep.

The boy is up and about after getting his breakfast.  His friend just happens to also be our neighbor and decided that he didn’t have enough sleep so he left just before 8 this morning to go home and get some more shut eye.  Grand idea altogether! The boy, however, has eaten his breakfast, had a drop of coffee  and is now playing quietly by himself, perhaps a game of NHL hockey on the NHL hockey on his X-BOX.

For now, I will take a nap as laundry has been flipped, animals have been fed and the rest of the house is quiet.  Just for 30 more minutes I will have peace to myself.  Then I will get up and ready myself for the day ahead.  I’ve already accomplished several things so a nap is deserved.  That is my Saturday morning planned! Hope you have a wonderful day.  May the sun be shining on your face today, where ever you may be.

Good Morning

20150422_083731
Duncan and Ellie (aka Eleanor Rigby)

Good morning and greetings on this crisp, sunny Spring morning.  I’ve just finished my very boring breakfast of a half slice of sourdough toast with the assistance of the fur babies, of course.  How does anyone say no to those liquid brown, or black eyes, looking up at you saying, “Mom, please, just a wee bit of the toast, please.  I promise I’ll be a good puppy”. Well, They got the crust since I’m not a big fan of that particular crust.  Now, if I’d been eating my favorite yogurt, they would have a difficult time convincing me for that bite.  I just wish I had room for my cup of coffee or tea this morning, but apparently that will have to wait for a little bit.

I’m up and dressed and ready for my day, well, as ready as I can be at the moment.  I have to wait for my doctor’s appointment to get here.  That’s the hard part.  The waiting.  I hate waiting like everyone else.  I’m hoping to take a little siesta before I leave, since my appointment isn’t until afternoon. I am finally going to see the GI specialist about my pancreas.  Just to recap, I have had abdominal pain that caused me to go the ER twice.  What was found out at the first ER visit? I have good labs.  Nothing else was really done.  They decided I had some gastritis and a UTI.  I saw my labs and I’m a nurse.  If that’s a UTI, I’m Martha Washington.  That could have been a contaminated specimen, but I took the antibiotics like a good little patient and the pain was okay for a few days.

pancreas

I left town and headed to Florida on my vacation, 1250 miles from home.  Guess what!  The pain came back and I headed to the ER in Naples, Florida.  I have to say, the care I received was terrific.  I actually got something for my pain and tests to find out what was going on.  I’m sure I won’t like my bill when it comes, but to have someone actually tell me, “Yes, you do have something on the head of your pancreas and that’s what is causing your pain” was worth it.  The doctor told me it could be one of three things.  Obviously, I’m rooting for the least problematic, a cyst.  Many people get cysts and never even know it.  So that’s one probability.  The next is a pseudocyst, a little more sinister or the last, but least expected, the big C word, pancreatic cancer.  I highly doubt that it is cancer, but all I can say is that at least this thing is on the head of my pancreas and I had pain.  I could have been that I wouldn’t have had any symptoms at all.

20141114_200014_HDR
Best Hubs ever

And now I wait. My labs at both ER’s were good.  No fevers, no pancreatitis, nothing else out of the ordinary.  Just me not being able to eat very much since all this started.  I’m full on very little food.  It’s very strange.  You would think I’d lose weight too, but I haven’t.  I think I look terrible because I’m very tired and that’s not good because I’m supposed to start a new job next week.  But like my husband says, “we have to take care of you first honey.  The job will wait but your health can not.” See, I told you the Hubby was golden.

Stupid pancreas anyway.  So, now you know what’s been going on in my world.  Squirrel rehabbing, hamster raising, children raising, pancreas babysitting, sleeping, me! Now, if only the dogs had thumbs and could cook.  I’d have it made.  They never leave my side. Granted, they’re usually begging for my yogurt. If only they could get it for me though. Ah, just the thought of a well trained dog, but that’s a thought for another day. Have a wonderful day.  And until next time, I bid you joy and peace.