The Darkness Lingers

The darkness lingers still .

I write and I am chastised.

I speak my mind

I am chastised for what I say.

I don’t understand yet I understand parts of it.

I can’t understand it all yet I want to with all my heart.

I ponder about that a very long time.

This is hard, so hard.

My heart breaks, my mind yearns for answers

my soul searches for peace.

What happened to the simple times?

I just want to love and to be loved.

I just want to understand,

but I will forever be in the darkness.

Sauna Land and Sadness

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The joy of cold ice water! Nothing is better after surgery! Well as much as this is true, there is also nothing quite like the A/C going out at home when you get home to recover from 4 days in the hospital. It’s 90 degrees here and we have opened our windows and placed fans on high to let fresh air in.  My goodness. The heat!

I’ve been feeling depressed a bit lately but I understand what the reason is behind it. The way I see it is this. First, it’s fun visiting mom in the hospital. It’s even fun getting things for her, at first when she gets home from the hospital. But the fun wears off quickly as it infringes on day to day life of everyone else. Mom is left feeling like a burden with surgical restrictions and then the air conditioner decided that this is the time to play dead.

Yes, great timing since it’s summer and 90 degrees. To add to this, mom calls asleep doing everything. When she’s awake she isn’t feeling well. Imagine, major surgery with physical restrictions followed by the air conditioner in the blink in high summer temps. Now imagine, if you will, mom’s temperature goes up. Could there be an infection, too? Really that would explain the crabbiness, but she’s crabby and super emotional and no one seems to really take notice of ask why.

The problem you see, is that everyone is so caught up in their own little world’s that the love and caring of each other seems to have flown away with the air conditioner.  I wish these were the only things going on in my house but there is a much larger and much more private issue we are all trying to wrap out heads around. I won’t write about it now and I may not do so ever, but maybe one day I will be able to. It’s just one more thing in our cauldron of craziness. It’s another reason I ask myself each day what exactly did I do to deserve this life as opposed to another life?

I digress again. I’m feeling depressed and sorry for myself instead of my usual upbeat positive self. I need to get out of this funk. I usually face my challenges head on, but today, in this heat, I want nothing to do with them. I feel beaten and completely defeated by the world. I feel numb yet in pain at the same time.

I hate living with my depression and it hasn’t reared it’s ugly head in a good while so why not do it now, right? Just when things were good. I know I’ll get through this. I know I’ll be fine, but I hate feeling this way. I hate when self talk won’t work and my motivation seems to be amiss. Well, to tell the truth, it’s rather MIA. I have my faith in God that will bring me out of this and it can’t happen soon enough. Its early going now, so I have to get a handle on it before it debilitates me again. My family needs a mama and I need my family.

Signed So Sad in Saunaland

When Friends Count

images (16)Lately, I’ve been feeling very down.  I know it’s not unusual for me to get this way but this time it’s been for a multitude of reasons.  If you’ve read any of my other posts, you know I’m a ridiculous worrier.  I worry about things and overthink everything.  Even when writing, I worry if anyone is really interested in the things I write.  Does anyone actually care?  I tend to write from my heart and my life experiences, so it makes me wonder is my life really interesting to anyone besides the people that know me?

I can tell you, it’s been rough lately.  I look at the numbers of those that visit my blogs.  I have the poetry blog and realize that not only do most people not visit it, no one ever comments on it, not even my Facebook friends.  Some of the poetry is good in my opinion and I will admit, some of it is, well, not particularly exciting.  If I’m lucky, I may have 5 or 6 people visit it on a good day.  I feel like quitting.  Then there is this blog.  My main blog. This is where I pour out my heart and soul and tell the world what’s on my mind.  I have a goal.  I have some followers.

images (55)I have those that read my blog and some leave me comments.  One has definitely become my friend.  She lifts my soul when I feel like I should just throw in the towel.  Trulyunplugged is her name on here and she is an amazing author.  I know her as Truly.  Her comments are encouraging and incredible.  She raises my spirit and actually, this morning, she brought tears of joy to my eyes.  I can’t tell you what her friendship means to me.  She lightens my heart, always knows the right thing to say and encourages me to continue writing when I think that no one really wants to read what I have to say.

I have a few friends that I know that always read my blogs that have been friends of mine for years.  They are on facebook and I love when they comment that they’ve enjoyed what they’ve read.  I love making that connection with people.  I love seeing that people have read and liked what they’ve read, but even more that what I’ve written has resonated with them somehow.  It’s all part of being human.  We all need to make connections with others.

So, I guess I’m no different from anyone else, I just feel it more than some, I suppose.  Thank you all for those of you who read my posts.  Thank you for liking and commenting.  I learn more everyday and I will persist.