While I Was Sleeping…

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Dreams are so strange, especially when you are stuck taking pain medication. I’ve just woken up from a dream where I was a waitress and I was working my first day. I went to take my first order and there Sat a gentleman who wanted a fried egg and rice on the side or so I thought I heard. He was rude as one woman screamed in my ear and another man was talking at the same time. I asked him to repeat it amongst the chaos and still heard the same thing. The dream lasted forever with people speaking at me from all sides. When I tried to write his order on my pad, it was a pad of paper that was filled with tiny little bits of paper. I had nowhere to write it down. The rude man in the left was laughing and saying I couldn’t even handle being a waitress. I kept saying but I’m really a registered nurse. I’m helping out in here. He kept laughing and saying more rude things implying I couldn’t be a real nurse either anymore than I was a real waitress. All I can say is thank God I woke up!

The moral to this story? Hell if I know, but, I will tell you I was a waitress as my first job and I tried my best. I was just 16 and wasn’t very good. I tried hard and probably could have done alright eventually. I am grateful to all the wait staff out there. I know what a difficult job it is and I appreciate what they do every day so that I don’t have to cook and I can enjoy a meal out with my family and friends once in a while.

I am also grateful that I make a pretty good nurse. Nursing is a calling and not just anyone can be a great nurse. Thankfully for me, I made the right career choice. It’s a versatile and ever growing field. Of you don’t like where you are, there is always someplace else you will probably fit in.

My Greatest Fears

Everyone has hopes and dreams, desires and fears.  I have dreams of becoming a great author and hopes to become a great mom, yes, even after 20 years in the trenches of motherhood, I’m still hoping! I desire to be a great wife above all and I fear losing those I love.  That’s the meat and potatoes version, the lite version of my thoughts for today.  I really have lots of hopes, dreams, desires and fears, but  that’s the very essence of who I am.  I really have lots of fears that are related to my hopes, dreams and desires.  I believe we all do though.

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In dreaming of becoming a great author, I also fear the process.  I fear the rejection of my work.  It’s as if I don’t believe it’s ever good enough.  I know that there are many people who would say otherwise, but then there is the niggling little voice in my head who repeatedly questions me and asks,”who is really going to read anything you write?” or “why would anyone waste their time reading what you write?”.  I have been writing for the majority of my life, but I will admit that for much of my adult life I thought I wasn’t good enough and that no one would want to read what I had written.  When my mom was sick, however, I found out I was mistaken in thinking this.  I found myself surrounded by many who encouraged me to write.  I was encouraged to pursue my passion.  I still haven’t written my book, which my dad asks about frequently, but perhaps I will, when I’m ready to.  Instead, for now, I am enjoying this blogging world. I still fear that I’m not good enough, but I’m getting better.

download (14)As far as hope goes, I have many hopes.  Who doesn’t? I have been a mom for nearly 20 years and I’m still hoping (and dreaming) of becoming the greatest mom ever!  I think as moms, we all hope for that one.  But it’s more than that.  I want to be the mom that my kids are proud to have.  I hope that they are proud to have me as a mom, but sometimes I wonder.  I don’t think that comes until they are much older, really, like about 25-30 years old.  They still aren’t there, but one day, maybe.  Until then, I’ll just keep doing the best I can. I always fear that I’m never going to be that mom though.  I fear that they’ll always see someone else’s mom as better than me, but hopefully they won’t.

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My husband and I have a wonderful relationship but it’s been fraught with it’s own issues along the way.  Every relationship has those ups and downs in them, but it’s those that can survive the bad times and learn from them that survive.  My mom always said that marriage was not a fairy tale and happily ever after.  It’s filled with hard work.  Boy was she ever right!  My husband and I have been through a great deal in our marriage, but we are survivors.  I will definitely tell you I love him more today than I did yesterday and I will love him more tomorrow than I do today.  I still fear that he won’t love me though.  I know I am a difficult person to live with for sure.  I always worry about that.  I fear that every single day I am going to be too much for him.  I fear I would fall apart without him.  Not to be too corny, but I do feel that he does truly complete me and me, him.

We are complex individuals, we humans, filled with emotions, filled with hopes, dreams, desires and fears.  We don’t just simply come when called, do things for food, respond for reward.  We have needs and sometimes we are irrational.  Sometimes, most times are fears are irrational, but they are ours.  They make us who we are.  They give us things to work towards and to work on.  I will always be working towards my hopes, dreams and desires.  I will also always be trying to alleviate my fears, especially the irrational ones.  Thankfully, I have Hubs to always be by my side.  He is always my beside me in my crazy endeavors, so I guess he must not be going anywhere.  Fear relieved… for the moment.


This has been a post for Finish the Sentence Friday.  This week’s sentence was “One of my biggest fears I ever had to face” or “One of my fears”.  Hosts are Kristi from http://www.findingninee.com) and sentence-thinker upper Michelle Grewe of http://crumpetsandbollocks.com/

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