Hockey, Children and What?

Watching my son on the hockey rink tonight, I was filled with such love for him.  He is such a great kid.  I love all my children.  I am just at a time in my life where I can really enjoy watching this one grow.  He is so full of life and promise.  It amazes me so much each day when I listen to him and hear something new that he’s learned.

Just yesterday, I was watching something and on the screen, the actors said something about the French Revolution happening 40 years in the future.  My nearly nine year old looked at me and asked me if I knew about the French Revolution.  When I said yes, he told me that he did too.  He said that he learned about it in that class he hates, Social Studies.  I reminded him that Social Studies is cool, it’s really history and history is awesome.  Maybe he’ll like it next year.

I remember when his sisters were nearly nine.  I was in a different time in my life then, but still enjoyed my time with them, but it was a different time.  There were three of them and they are closer in age.  The age difference between the girls and the Boy is great and somehow, it just makes things different.

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This was his first time on the hockey rink.  He’s much more stylish now!

 

The Boy astounds me everyday, sometimes in a good way, sometimes a funny way and sometimes not such a good way.  I worry about him, a lot!  I fear for him, for me, really. I can’t imagine my life without him in it.  I can’t imagine my life without any of my children in it.

My greatest fear is something happening to my children.  All three of my girls have had surgery.  Somehow, being a nurse I was alright and calm through those.  I know how strong they are.  I know that for the most part they make good decisions in life, but I worry about some freak accident taking their life away from them, and from me.  I’m not sure I could survive losing my child.  And my son? My husband and I only have him.  My girls are from my previous marriage.  I fear that losing my son would tear my marriage apart.  If it didn’t kill me, how could we survive?  How would I survive?

I pray everyday for the health and wellness of my family.  I know that I can’t focus on the what if’s in this life.  If I didn’t have faith that God was a good and loving God, I don’t know what I would do.  My family is the most important thing in my life.  Losing my mom brought all those thoughts racing home to my heart.

I know that God must have sent Hubs to me to help me keep things logical and sane.  Can’t tell you how much that man keeps me grounded.  I know that most kids grow up and make a life for themselves and do just fine, but in my career, I’ve seen a great deal.  I’ve seen successes, hardships, failures, heartbreaks. The future is not for us to know.  All we can do is pray for the best and have faith that everything will turn out.  With 4 kids, I just pray I’m not tempting the odds with my sweet little boy.  He is the light of my life.


This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post.  The subject this week was

“One of my biggest fears I ever had to face…”

Feel free to use “One of my fears…” as well.

Hosts are Kristi from http://www.findingninee.com) and sentence-thinker upper Michelle Grewe of http://crumpetsandbollocks.com/

simple ftsf

My Greatest Fears

Everyone has hopes and dreams, desires and fears.  I have dreams of becoming a great author and hopes to become a great mom, yes, even after 20 years in the trenches of motherhood, I’m still hoping! I desire to be a great wife above all and I fear losing those I love.  That’s the meat and potatoes version, the lite version of my thoughts for today.  I really have lots of hopes, dreams, desires and fears, but  that’s the very essence of who I am.  I really have lots of fears that are related to my hopes, dreams and desires.  I believe we all do though.

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In dreaming of becoming a great author, I also fear the process.  I fear the rejection of my work.  It’s as if I don’t believe it’s ever good enough.  I know that there are many people who would say otherwise, but then there is the niggling little voice in my head who repeatedly questions me and asks,”who is really going to read anything you write?” or “why would anyone waste their time reading what you write?”.  I have been writing for the majority of my life, but I will admit that for much of my adult life I thought I wasn’t good enough and that no one would want to read what I had written.  When my mom was sick, however, I found out I was mistaken in thinking this.  I found myself surrounded by many who encouraged me to write.  I was encouraged to pursue my passion.  I still haven’t written my book, which my dad asks about frequently, but perhaps I will, when I’m ready to.  Instead, for now, I am enjoying this blogging world. I still fear that I’m not good enough, but I’m getting better.

download (14)As far as hope goes, I have many hopes.  Who doesn’t? I have been a mom for nearly 20 years and I’m still hoping (and dreaming) of becoming the greatest mom ever!  I think as moms, we all hope for that one.  But it’s more than that.  I want to be the mom that my kids are proud to have.  I hope that they are proud to have me as a mom, but sometimes I wonder.  I don’t think that comes until they are much older, really, like about 25-30 years old.  They still aren’t there, but one day, maybe.  Until then, I’ll just keep doing the best I can. I always fear that I’m never going to be that mom though.  I fear that they’ll always see someone else’s mom as better than me, but hopefully they won’t.

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My husband and I have a wonderful relationship but it’s been fraught with it’s own issues along the way.  Every relationship has those ups and downs in them, but it’s those that can survive the bad times and learn from them that survive.  My mom always said that marriage was not a fairy tale and happily ever after.  It’s filled with hard work.  Boy was she ever right!  My husband and I have been through a great deal in our marriage, but we are survivors.  I will definitely tell you I love him more today than I did yesterday and I will love him more tomorrow than I do today.  I still fear that he won’t love me though.  I know I am a difficult person to live with for sure.  I always worry about that.  I fear that every single day I am going to be too much for him.  I fear I would fall apart without him.  Not to be too corny, but I do feel that he does truly complete me and me, him.

We are complex individuals, we humans, filled with emotions, filled with hopes, dreams, desires and fears.  We don’t just simply come when called, do things for food, respond for reward.  We have needs and sometimes we are irrational.  Sometimes, most times are fears are irrational, but they are ours.  They make us who we are.  They give us things to work towards and to work on.  I will always be working towards my hopes, dreams and desires.  I will also always be trying to alleviate my fears, especially the irrational ones.  Thankfully, I have Hubs to always be by my side.  He is always my beside me in my crazy endeavors, so I guess he must not be going anywhere.  Fear relieved… for the moment.


This has been a post for Finish the Sentence Friday.  This week’s sentence was “One of my biggest fears I ever had to face” or “One of my fears”.  Hosts are Kristi from http://www.findingninee.com) and sentence-thinker upper Michelle Grewe of http://crumpetsandbollocks.com/

simple ftsf