Fathers and Sons

When the kids drove your spouse crazy and you don’t know what’s going on, it’s like a bomb has gone off in your otherwise peaceful home. At least that’s what it feels like I’m mine. Life happens when things get crazy sometimes. My house is no different than anyone else’s. 

Tonight was one of those nights and my husband’s temper flared. All I know is that while I was in the bathtub, my 9 year old came and poked his nose in to tell me dad was mean and a big dummy. Meanwhile I heard more interesting comments coming from my husband’s direction aimed towards the boy. What is a mom to do? Well, calm the boy and yell that the hubs is not saying very nice things.

Lord give me strength to get through this. That’s my prayer for these little occasions and somehow I always find the strength to muddle through and figure out what happened. Tonight was different though. I enjoyed my bath and let them get through it without meddling too much. I have no idea what the madness was about and furthernore, I don’t care. I’m chalking it up to hubs being tired and therefore cranky and the boy, well, he’s just a typical 9 year old boy.

I suppose for many, myself included, it’s so difficult to be that strong parent with the golden touch when you’re tired. Some people are just naturally prone to being tired. Luckily, I’m usually not one of them, but I have my moments. Sometimes we’ve just had a bad day and unfortunately sometimes our kids just know which buttons to push. I know my 9 year old certainly does. Luckily though. He is resilient like most kids. The two resolved their issue without me which makes me so happy. Then move my hubs has for his son is immense. If only kids realized that love earlier. I think they get it sometimes, but it’s hard in this extraordinarily busy and crazy world we live in. 

The moral to my story? Well, I suppose as mom’s we try to fix everything. Its just what we do. Sometimes it’s okay to let them fix their problems all by themselves without getting involved. They can do it and it will strengthen their relationship in the long run.

Learning to Be Enough

wp-1463729724864.jpg

Many of us who are creative have issues with being hard on ourselves.  I know I am.  I often think, “why would anyone ever want to read my work or look at my painting.” It’s a similar story in life.  I often times question whether I’m good enough and I’ve written about this before.  The thing is, I’m learning to accept that I am absolutely good enough.  I am more than good enough.  Wow, that’s even hard for me to say, much less write.

Many creative people suffer from self worth issues. It’s just one of those things we stress over. You see, in my case, I have always worried about pleasing people. I want the world to be happy. I want to make each person I come in contact with to be happier because of me, or something I’ve done. I hope this makes sense to you. I just hate disappointing anyone. The very thought of being a disappointment causes anxiety.

Image result for being enough

I have struggled with being enough for many reasons my whole life.  I always have considered myself not enough.  When I was young, I wanted so badly to be like my big brother.  He was so smart, so good at school and tennis.  In my mind, he had everything that pleased my parents.  I felt like I never filled their expectations of what I should be.  I was just above average in school, I didn’t feel very smart and I was just okay at tennis.  What I excelled in was music.  My brother played piano as well, but did not have the talent that I did.  He can not sing like I can.

Now, I realize that it’s okay to have different talents.  I also realize that I made up this idea in my head that I wasn’t good enough.  Sure, my parents wanted and expected me to excel, but my mom always said, “just always do the very best you can and we will be happy.”  My dad, on the other hand, was a man of very few words.  I guess I wanted him to tell me that he was proud of me.  He finally did when I became a nurse.  I was over the moon with happiness.  I finally felt like I had his approval and felt his joy for something I had accomplished.  It felt so good!

If only that was the only time I felt like I was enough all the time, I wouldn’t question my strengths.  I wouldn’t question whether my writing was good enough to be read by others.  I wouldn’t ask if someone would actually like the butterfly or flower picture I worked so hard to create.  I wouldn’t mind playing piano in public places anymore, even though I’m rusty and I would actually offer to sing the solos in choir at church.  But I don’t.  I know that I may be enough, but to imagine myself as actually good?  Well, that’s where it gets difficult.  I just continue to work on believing that I’m good enough and pray that someday, I’ll move up my scale to a good.  I know too many people that are far more talented than I could ever hope to become.

th-9.jpg.jpg

But what happens now?  I keep plodding along and marching to my own drummer hoping someday, I’ll have the accompaniment to go along with that drumbeat.  I still battle the self-doubt and self-worth issues, but I’m working on those every day.  I have to because it is me, and only me that can change how I view myself and my world.  I try speaking to myself kindly and thinking kindly as well as doing kind things for others.  What I have learned so far, is that we are our own worst critics.  We are hardest on ourselves.  It’s something that we need to all work on  Step back, look at yourself and try to imagine yourself as others see you.  I guarantee, they see someone who isn’t as bad as you do.

 

 

And I’m Off…

I don’t have to awake yet. Why am I not asleep! It’s nerves again. I’m nervous that I’m having pain again and surgery isn’t until 6/3! Somehow I’ll manage but why do I have to wait so long, I ask myself.

I also, finally have my computer class today and tomorrow for work. I’ve been waiting for nearly a month! Yes, an entire long and arduous month of waiting for results. A month! If I had opted to have them repeat testing and monitoring the damn thing, It would be time to repeat the follow up on the esophageal ultrasound and biopsy practically after this cyst.

image

—————————–

I’m in the middle of my computer class and it’s hard to stay awake. Its fast-paced and yet a bit boring. Well, not really boring it’s more trying to follow along and less hands on. My old eyes have a hard time adjusting from the screen of the computer to the large screen at the front of the room! It’s early and it’s dark in this room. Help!

I’m excited to have this class at last! It opens up so much more for me and allows me to feel useful at work at last. That is a wonderful feeling! The problem is that there’s so much to learn! Well I have to learn it. I want to learn the software quickly.

I’m such a worrier it drives me crazy. I worry all the time what others will think. I wonder constantly about what people of any influence think of me. I am trying to change this about myself but it’s difficult.

I know this stems from my own self doubt. My low self esteem. That’s where the majority of my issues come from, although I’ve made strides thanks to self kindness and my family. My family helps me face my flaws and I’m learning to be accountable for me. I’m a work in progress but I’m getting there. I’m a much different person than I was this time last year. Thank God for miracles and understanding families!

We All Have Faults

Image result for human faults

While talking to my daughter tonight, I was reminded that I do indeed, have many faults.  It’s not that we spent our phone conversation discussing faults or, in fact arguing.  We had, by contrast, a delightful conversation. I love my daughter very much but we don’t always get along.  In fact, I have to say, she’s much happier living where she is now than when she was living here at home.  She now lives with her dad.  The reason, you ask? The answer is me.  I am the reason.

I have said before that I am a work in progress.  I have so many faults I don’t know where to begin.  It was my oldest daughter’s recommendation that I open up about my faults to show you that I’m not some pretentious “fake” person who writes about things and pretends to some perfect person.  Those people don’t exist.  So, I will tell you, I have a hard time admitting my faults.  This will be difficult, but I thought this was a great idea.  It’s a great way to grow as a person.  You are my audience and I appreciate you.  I appreciate any input you have to help me along this journey of growth, too.

As I said, I don’t admit my faults well.  In fact, I really suck at admitting I’m wrong most of the time.  I’m opinionated.  I’m obstinante. I cry easily and I yell when I’m upset, a lot.  I don’t just yell, I yell really mean and often hurtful things at the people I love.  I’m trying to work on this, but it’s so hard.  Why am I like this?  God, what I wouldn’t give to know the answer to that.

Image result for human flawsI hate that I get so upset so easily.  I don’t remember always being like this either.  I used to be very easy going.  I used to get upset, but over time, I guess I developed this terrible habit of yelling when I’d cry and say hurtful things because I was hurting.  How awful I feel too. I have to say this is my most hated trait about myself, especially since most people see me as this bubbly, happy person on the outside of my house.  They don’t see the hurt, evil, mean me.  And I am very mean when I’m angry.  The problem is, when I’m mean and angry, it’s always because I am feeling like I’ve been wronged somehow even when it isn’t true.

I take everything that my family does personally.  If the kids don’t listen, it’s a personal attack on the kind of mother I am.  Stupid, I know, but there it is.  If my husband doesn’t want my affection because he is exhauseted or not feeling well, then I’m too fat and he doesn’t love me anymore.  See, somehow, it’s my fault.  I am the cause of my problem and what my family doesn’t know is that I already know that I am my own worst enemy.

I’m working on being kind.  I’ve always been kind to others.  It’s one of my best traits.  Now, I have to work on being kind to myself, especially when I’m feeling hurt or angry.  I’m working on being kinder to my family, but sometimes that’s really hard.  I find it reallyl hard to have unrelenting patience with the kids when they just can’t seem to listen the first time they are asked to do something.  “Please” is something I’m learning to use when I ask them to do a chore, but often it doesn’t seem to get them moving any faster.  I do beat myself up over it later, after I’ve yelled at them, but I hope I’m improving as a mom.  I screw up daily, but I’m human.  God help me please.  I am only human and I’m learning every day.