Sauna Land and Sadness

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The joy of cold ice water! Nothing is better after surgery! Well as much as this is true, there is also nothing quite like the A/C going out at home when you get home to recover from 4 days in the hospital. It’s 90 degrees here and we have opened our windows and placed fans on high to let fresh air in.  My goodness. The heat!

I’ve been feeling depressed a bit lately but I understand what the reason is behind it. The way I see it is this. First, it’s fun visiting mom in the hospital. It’s even fun getting things for her, at first when she gets home from the hospital. But the fun wears off quickly as it infringes on day to day life of everyone else. Mom is left feeling like a burden with surgical restrictions and then the air conditioner decided that this is the time to play dead.

Yes, great timing since it’s summer and 90 degrees. To add to this, mom calls asleep doing everything. When she’s awake she isn’t feeling well. Imagine, major surgery with physical restrictions followed by the air conditioner in the blink in high summer temps. Now imagine, if you will, mom’s temperature goes up. Could there be an infection, too? Really that would explain the crabbiness, but she’s crabby and super emotional and no one seems to really take notice of ask why.

The problem you see, is that everyone is so caught up in their own little world’s that the love and caring of each other seems to have flown away with the air conditioner.  I wish these were the only things going on in my house but there is a much larger and much more private issue we are all trying to wrap out heads around. I won’t write about it now and I may not do so ever, but maybe one day I will be able to. It’s just one more thing in our cauldron of craziness. It’s another reason I ask myself each day what exactly did I do to deserve this life as opposed to another life?

I digress again. I’m feeling depressed and sorry for myself instead of my usual upbeat positive self. I need to get out of this funk. I usually face my challenges head on, but today, in this heat, I want nothing to do with them. I feel beaten and completely defeated by the world. I feel numb yet in pain at the same time.

I hate living with my depression and it hasn’t reared it’s ugly head in a good while so why not do it now, right? Just when things were good. I know I’ll get through this. I know I’ll be fine, but I hate feeling this way. I hate when self talk won’t work and my motivation seems to be amiss. Well, to tell the truth, it’s rather MIA. I have my faith in God that will bring me out of this and it can’t happen soon enough. Its early going now, so I have to get a handle on it before it debilitates me again. My family needs a mama and I need my family.

Signed So Sad in Saunaland