While I Was Sleeping

Have you ever woken up abruptly just wished you could fall back to sleep?  It happened to me this morning.  I always wish I could finish my dream.  I always want to know how they end! Sometimes I imagine what the ending would be if I had my choice.  Sometimes I think I might know how it would end.  Sometimes I think, well, sometimes I just want to forget the whole thing.

While I was sleeping early this morning, I dreamt the most delightful dream.  I was absolutely healthy again.  My surgery was over and I was back to the old me.  I had even lost my excess weight.  I dreamt that I was thin, like I was when I was younger.  I dreamt that with the loss of my distal pancreas and spleen, I was finally feeling awesome again and somehow, as if by magic, I was somehow fully engaged in life again.  What a fabulous dream it was until I was woken up.

I was woken up abruptly when it was time to be a normal mom again.  It happens every morning.  I wouldn’t change it for anything.  I wake up at the same time all week.  It’s a chore to get the boy ready, as he rarely wants to get up easily any more.  He used to fly out of bed, but somewhere along the way this year, he started getting lazy in the mornings, just like the rest of us.

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I had a chance to lay down again later this morning.  I was off today, a blessing since I had pain today.  I fell fast asleep and slept hard.  Again, I had a vivid dream.  I was rudely and abruptly awakened by my daughter who informed me that my other daughter was stranded at school without a ride home.  After taking a few minutes to get myself together, I dragged myself to the van and went to get her.  All I can remember about that dream, is that it was fast-paced and oh so vivid.

We all have dreams both awake and asleep.  While I’m awake, I know what my dreams are, but while I’m sleeping, I dream of the things I think and dream about while I’m awake.  I know that we dream about the things that need to be worked out in our waking life.  Somehow, our dreams help our subconscious mind to work out our problems.  Isn’t that just the coolest thing!  I think so, but then again, I’m pretty weird in the things I think are cool!  I’m an eclectic nerd and I’m happy being who I am.

I also suffer with insomnia.  I would say from, but it’s more of something that is part of who I am anymore.  I never know when it will strike me.  I may have 3 nights in a row where I sleep then 4 nights where I’m up for hours on end.  I never know what will happen when I lay my head down on the pillow.  I just always know I’m tired at night, until I lay down.  I love to dream and look forward to those moments of blissful sleep.  Alas, that evil entity, insomnia keeps me from those lovely dreams quite often.  My hope?  That this will one day pass.  What did you dream last night?  or today?  Not everyone has normal sleep hours.

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post.  It’s hosted this week by Kristi of Findingninee.com and myself!  Check out Kristi’s site for more great writers!  You won’t be sorry!

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And I’m Off…

I don’t have to awake yet. Why am I not asleep! It’s nerves again. I’m nervous that I’m having pain again and surgery isn’t until 6/3! Somehow I’ll manage but why do I have to wait so long, I ask myself.

I also, finally have my computer class today and tomorrow for work. I’ve been waiting for nearly a month! Yes, an entire long and arduous month of waiting for results. A month! If I had opted to have them repeat testing and monitoring the damn thing, It would be time to repeat the follow up on the esophageal ultrasound and biopsy practically after this cyst.



I’m in the middle of my computer class and it’s hard to stay awake. Its fast-paced and yet a bit boring. Well, not really boring it’s more trying to follow along and less hands on. My old eyes have a hard time adjusting from the screen of the computer to the large screen at the front of the room! It’s early and it’s dark in this room. Help!

I’m excited to have this class at last! It opens up so much more for me and allows me to feel useful at work at last. That is a wonderful feeling! The problem is that there’s so much to learn! Well I have to learn it. I want to learn the software quickly.

I’m such a worrier it drives me crazy. I worry all the time what others will think. I wonder constantly about what people of any influence think of me. I am trying to change this about myself but it’s difficult.

I know this stems from my own self doubt. My low self esteem. That’s where the majority of my issues come from, although I’ve made strides thanks to self kindness and my family. My family helps me face my flaws and I’m learning to be accountable for me. I’m a work in progress but I’m getting there. I’m a much different person than I was this time last year. Thank God for miracles and understanding families!

My Hope for Our Future

It’s graduation time again.  This year, I have another daughter graduating from high school.  She is very bright and studious.  She exemplifies a student in her attitude.  As my dad would say, she is a worker.  I’m very proud of her.  I should be.  I’m proud of all my kids.  They are naturally good kids and so far, none of them have given us any trouble.  I hope that trend continues.  This one, however, has been mature beyond her years her entire life.


When Clare was 2, she was very small and dainty.  I remember very vividly a day when she and I were home together.  Her older sister was at pre-school and Clare was playing quietly with her green, Mardi Gras beads.  She held them up to the window sill and said very clearly, “Mom, my necklace is approximately this long.” I was bewildered that she should say such a big word and use it correctly.  I might point out that she had just turned 2.  Most of the children her age were speaking in very short sentences but her sentences were very complex.  I stared at my child, asked her to repeat herself just in case I hadn’t heard correctly.  I had.  The look on her face was one of incredulity.  It was as if she couldn’t believe I didn’t know what that word meant.  This is my child.  This is my overachiever.

In kindergarten, she would come home from school every day and sit down immediately, without having to be told, and do her “homework”.  I have NEVER had to tell her to do her homework.  She always has done it and she has always done well.  She has also always done extra credit when it was given.  As I say, she is a worker.  I wish all 4 of my kids would do their homework so easily.  My oldest has to study on her own now that she is away at school but she had to be coaxed some when she was younger.  My younger 2 have always been terrible about doing homework.  It amazes me that they all came from me!


These are my children.  These are our future.  They are my hope but they also have their own hopes and dreams which will lead them to their own desires and destinies.  Clare will start her pre-med studies this fall at university away from home.  Her older sister is in nursing.  My younger 2 will do other things unrelated to medicine, I’m certain.  They each have their own paths to follow and things to accomplish along the way.

20141206_204318.jpgMy oldest daughter, Emma, is an extraordinary vocalist.  She started her college career, as many do, not sure what she wanted to be, but began in music education.  She loves music, but was scared to death to think that all the hard work and hours put in would leave her without a job at the end of her college years.  She has now switched to the field of nursing and loves it.  She is compassionate and empathetic and will be an invaluable nurse.

In high school, she not only succeeded but excelled in music.  She achieved the female solo for the All-District performances her sophomore and senior years and went to All-State Honors Choir both her junior and senior years.  She got her silver cross, an accomplishment which is not easy to achieve in music which culminates with a beautiful solo recital at the end.  She was succeeding in college as well, but wasn’t happy.  One needs to be happy to have hope  and to be our hope for the future.

Clare has excelled in the classroom and in music as well.  She has a very high GPA, she is in the National Honor Society and French National Honor Society, but musically, she didn’t go for her silver cross.  She opted to go the route of senior recital instead.  For once, she chose the option of less stress.  She made All-State Choir her Senior year. She has no notions of majoring in music.  She will major in pre-med and something else which is still undecided.


As I say, our children are our hope for the future.  There is no denying that.  We’ve all heard people say that, or sing it.  It’s how our world continues.  My hope is that I’ve done a good job rearing them.  I pray often that my children will be independent, intelligent and strong.  I want them to always make the best decisions they can but to think about things before they do make a decision.  I want them to make their future bright, as my oldest 2 are now adults, in the eyes of the law.  To me, they will always be my baby girls.  I still have 2 more that I can make a difference in and I hope that they listen sometimes.  I hope they will be like their older sisters and succeed in life.



Finding Joy after 40

As we approach the middle of our lives, our mindset sort of changes. We start to think of things a little differently and start to think about things we really had never considered before. One of those things is our own mortality. When we are young, we think we will live forever. Oh, how life changes us.

We begin to ponder more seriously whether heaven and hell really exist. We ponder our financial futures and if we will be able to retire, ever! We contemplate our spouse’s mortality and health becomes an issue. If we are in the dating realm, we contemplate if we will ever find our person, our soul mate.

Family is more important than anything still, but our family roles change as well. Children grow up and start to leave our nest. I will have two daughters in college this fall and I know already how just one leaving changes the dynamics of our family. I am having a hard time imagining life with two out of the house, but life continues to march on.

Losing my mom last November, my world changed forever. No longer could I pick up the phone and talk to her about this or that. No longer could we go have our favorite salad at Applebee’s. Her life here was completed and my own was turned upside down. For anyone that has been through the loss of their mother or father, you understand.  That loss brings to mind our own mortality.  What would happen to our family if we died? Would our children be okay?  Would our spouse be okay?  Would he/she remarry? Am I ready if God calls me home?  Will I go to heaven or hell?  Will my family be okay financially?  So many questions.

Then, once you start thinking about those things, you start thinking about what would happen if someone you love dies as well as what will happen when you lose your other parent.  It’s a place that you could easily lose yourself if you let yourself get sucked into that void.  Death is part of life.  We are all born and the only guarantee in life is that we will eventually die.  Morbid thought, isn’t it? But losing someone so important to your very being is losing a piece of yourself.  They live on in your heart, but no longer are they here in bodily form to touch and to have a conversation with.


As we get to the middle years, even our style of parenting changes.  One of my mom’s best friends used to tell her that every time you have a child, that child comes at a different stage in your life.  You aren’t the same at 26 as you are at 37.  It makes sense then that your children will all be just a little different because you are a little different.  Sure, there’s the genetics and the birth order, but the other factor I see in my home is the kids have different parents because we are different than we used to be.  At 26, when my oldest was born, I was full of energy.  I had no aches or pains.  I saw the world differently than I did at 37 1/2 when I had my youngest child.  Because of this, my youngest child does get away with more than my oldest did at 9.  My oldest was also more responsible too.

Financially, we start really focusing on the future and we are able to see that there may be a light at the end of the work tunnel.  Maybe we will be able to retire, someday, but will we have saved enough?  With kids in college and more than likely weddings sometime after that (I have 3 daughters), it’s hard to come to grips with the idea that I will have to work long after 62 if I’d really like to retire comfortably.


I also find that although I love babies, I like other people’s babies.  I have no babies pulling on my apron strings anymore and no desire to have anymore children.  I have a dear friend who has only one, beautiful little boy.  She and her husband are considering adoption at the moment.  For them, I am ecstatic. I, on the other hand, want nothing to do with bringing more children into my own house.  Four is my limit and I’m always kicking the kids to play outside because they are loud and messy.  It’s not that I dislike my children, in fact, I love them with all my heart.  It’s just that I would like to keep the few things I have in my house safe from hockey in my living room or wrestling.  Someday I pray that I will have grandchildren to spoil, but I certainly hope never to have to worry about having any additional children of my own.  I’m too old anyway. Thank God for that and hysterectomies. I’ll gladly wait for grandchildren now but I’m in no hurry.

As I said before, life continues to move on.  We have choices.  We have so many things on our mind, but we have to move on too and remember to make the most of each day.  Each day is a gift.  Each child is a gift.  Each time you spend time with someone you love, that’s a gift.  Life is a gift not to be squandered.  We all must focus on the good and positive things in our lives, the people and things that bring us joy.  Make the most of today and everyday  You only get one chance to live your life, so dwelling on what could have been is self defeating.  So, find joy in your day and focus on that instead of the negative thoughts or comments.


Writing Poetry and Being a Nurse

I haven’t been writing much poetry lately, but in these wee hours of the night, I sometimes find myself doing just that.  I am a nurse by profession, yet I have never written one poem about being a nurse.  It’s scary sometimes to be a nurse even when you’re very experienced.  I know this because I’ve been in the field of nursing since I was 17 years old.  That was nearly 30 years ago.  Man, am I old! Please, you don’t have to be that quick to agree! Anyway, I digress.

Brooke-webTonight, I wrote a short poem about a nurse who is starting a new job.  In fact, it’s her first day on the job.  How scary, especially if you are a new nurse.  I still remember that feeling all these years later.  In fact, I have dreams sometimes that I’m working at one of my former jobs but I’m late or not where I should be.  It’s usually some variant on the same theme.  I don’t have them often, but they usually happen when I’m feeling anxious about something at work or most recently because I just started my new job.  I’m not a job hopper so I don’t change jobs frequently.  That would just freak me out! Once you know your job, it’s hard to make that leap of faith and learn new things again, I think.

This is the basis of my latest poem, simply titled, “The Nurse”. I’ve been asked, by Hubs, if I would want to go back to hospital nursing on the floor.  My answer to him was a resounding “NO”. I loved my time on the floor, but I’m not sure my back or my feet could handle that anymore.  I love the setting I’m in now.   If you would be interested in reading my poetry, please visit my blog at https://wordpress.com/post/myblogforlife.wordpress.com/2360. I encourage you to leave me some feedback on anything you read there.  I don’t get much traffic, in fact, I rarely get any traffic and even rarer still do I receive comments.   I look forward from hearing from you very  much! As for me, I’m finally going to sleep now.  Many blessings my friends.


I Should be Sleeping…

night skyOf course I should be sleeping like most of my house is right now.  I am tired, but I’m not tired.  It’s a bit odd, this insomnia.  It luckily doesn’t happen every night, but tonight is one of those nights when the creative juices are flowing and I can’t seem to turn off the laptop.  I have to write.  I realize that there are those out there that don’t understand this phenomenon, but then there are those of you that do understand.  As it is, when I have one of these moments, my Hubs is dead asleep, the kids are in bed, the animals have all taken up their spots of respite for the night and here I sit with my fingers tapping rather aimlessly along the keyboard of the HP laptop that, in reality belongs to my 18 year old daughter.

I had been feeling rather anxious about my new job.  I can’t really tell you why.  I enjoy it so far, although it will take time to adjust.  I am a float nurse at a clinic which means I will have to learn many different routines so that I can fill in for the nurses whose place I am taking for the day.  I’m very adaptable, but this prospect is a bit daunting.  I hate the idea of not being good enough or really, I suppose of failing.  I know I will get the hang of things eventually, but I guess at the moment, I’m just a little overwhelmed.  I’ve spent a great deal of this week in classes which has improved my mindset tremendously though.

I just finished the new employee orientation class and I can honestly say it was wonderful.  Not only did I get to meet some great new people, I also was able to learn more about myself and the way my mind works.  We were able to participate in a great activity called Real Colors.  It breaks everyone down to 4 colors.  There are Blue, Gold, Green and Orange.  I discovered through these small activities that I am most definitely a Blue with a good splash of Orange mixed in.  I was able to administer the test to my husband and just as I thought, he is a Green.

people-with-colorpieces-whiteI know what you’re thinking.  What the heck is she going on about? The colors represent different personality types.  For instance, as a Blue, I have certain characteristics.  I scored very highly in this category so I am a strong Blue.  Not everyone is so predominantly one color, but I most certainly am. Characteristics that absolutely describe me are being a good listener, being stressed by feeling artificial, loyalty is my highest value, key characteristic is authenticity, peacemaker at work, takes pride in empathy, validated by acceptance of others, trusts intuition and feelings.  Basically, I am very sensitive, focus on feelings, love to help others, need to be accepted and validated and love harmony.

I have seen other personality tests before but this one made great sense to me.  It was simple and straight to the point.  The thing that I really thought was intriguing was that if I took this a few years ago, or if I take this a few years from now, I may get a completely different result.  We change as people.  Things that happen to us along the path of life change us.  I would love to administer this test to so many people just for fun.  Learning about the different types of personalities and what makes them tick also helps us to understand how to interact with them more effectively.

anxiety picture What a fabulous tool to have in any workplace.  I can imagine what some of my family is and what some of my friends are based on what I’ve learned today. I believe that with this knowledge I will be better able to communicate with my new coworkers.  I look forward to the challenges that I face.  I have never been so happy that I was made to take a class.  These last 2 days have inspired me to greet this new challenge head on instead of with my tail tucked in between my legs.

Ah, the Hot Flashes

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Gotta love Maxine

A hot flash and I’m awake.  God save us all.  Well, those of us women who are going through menopause and those who have survived it understand this phenomenon.  For those of you who have this lovely path to look forward to, well, you will survive too, but it sucks.  Yes, those are very harsh words, my dear friends, but they are true.

I will tell you that there are lovely things out there that can help.  Medications, hormone therapy and the like, but me being me, well, I just have one medication that helps, usually.  It’s an antidepressant and it’s magnificent.  I started taking it after having my hysterectomy several years ago.  It helps with so many things.  I’m not crying all the time like I did immediately post operatively.  I usually can sleep, but not lately.  I usually don’t get these blasted hot flashes, except for lately.  Well, maybe it was great and just isn’t as wonderful as it once was.  I don’t cry anymore though and my mood is much improved.  There, reason enough.

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Tonight however, I’m not sleeping and I am having an annoying hot flash.  Lord have mercy, you can be absolutely frozen one minute and the very next one feel as though you’re on fire from your head to your toes.  It’s the only thing I just don’t understand.  I guess it’s just another reason we are the stronger of the two sexes.

Can you imagine men having to go through all the things we as women have to put up with?  And we start so young! First, we start our periods when we are mere babies, only to have to put up with that every 4 weeks, if we’re lucky and are regular, for decades just so we can have babies.

Can you really imagine a man having periods with the pain, the cramps, the headaches, the bleeding, the moodiness, the tampons!  It’s bad enough having to train men to go to the store and buy the pads and the tampons and  get it correct.  In my house we have myself and then there are my three daughters ages 19, 18 and 14.  Imagine my poor husband having to keep everyone happy in the feminine product line!  He’s really good and knows everyone’s preferences. Can you imagine though, if it was him that did the bleeding every month instead? I’m telling you, he’s a very strong man, but when he stubs a toe or hits his arm even remotely solidly on something, the “Ow” can be heard very clearly throughout this house.  Pain is not something he’s accustomed to. I suppose you could say, he just doesn’t do pain well.  He’d be writhing and in a ball for days if he had to have a period every month.

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One of my favorite sayings

Then there is me.  I’m the one that my girls say, “oh, you’re so lucky you don’t bleed anymore, mom.” Ha! If they only knew.  I had my share for enough years.  My time every month was wrought with such pain and there was no ibuprofen over the counter so I had to suck it up.  I didn’t stay home from school.  And there were plenty of times I bled through my clothes.  As if I’m so lucky? It got so bad at the end and I don’t miss that old saggy bag, AKA my uterus.  It served me well.  I have 4 beautiful children.  I am too old to have anymore now anyway.  I’ll wait, hopefully a very long time for grandchildren.  Then I can spoil them rotten!

Ah, hot flash averted once again.  Now, it’s back to my usual freezing self.  Poor hubs can’t understand why his normally freezing wife is suddenly hot and sweaty for mere moments of time.  It has to be difficult for the male of the species to understand us.  We are so complicated and awesome in all that we are.  And he  has to deal with me.  I’m not only complicated and awesome, I’m creative and anxious about life in general, but getting less so on the latter.  Talk about getting in a little deep.  He did that to himself, but says he wouldn’t change a thing. He’s a smart one, I’ll give him that.  Smart about giving me the right answers.dbbee6a4b1ad96765de6eed426fe372e

I can’t imagine being anyone other than who I am.  I am woman.  Hear me roar.  Well, sometimes I might just meow a little, but most days I will roar.  We women are very strong.  We’ve been created that way.  It takes a great deal of strength to go through life and have to deal with all the things we do every single day whether it’s being a mom, having a career or doing both, like me.  Every day is an adventure that we are blessed to have.

Of course we are strong because who else could handle having periods or going through menopause while just living life and getting on with things. Who else could have babies? The pain of carrying a child, never mind the labor and delivery. Certainly not men.  They’re too busy doing the manly things that they do.  Don’t ask me what exactly that is.  I really don’t understand them most of the time.  There are those men who try to keep up and do a good job, but as women, we need to be proud of who we are and go get them.  If you are a woman, you are a tigress!  Roar loud and be proud!

I Think I’m Becoming Nocturnal

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Look it’s me in my dreams, anyway, also minus a laptop. I thought it was a really interesting picture to share!

I should be asleep again.  Deirdre, what are you doing up?  It’s 2:30 in the morning, you say? I know.  Believe me, I’m completely aware of this annoying fact, but I’ve got things on my mind and sleep seems just a bit too far away again.  Hopefully, living with the two hamsters who like to run races against each other on their wheels at this hour aren’t influencing my circadian rhythm.  Those two little nuggets of love seem to think sleeping all day long is great and staying up all night in the running wheels is a riot.  I swear, even though they can’t see each other, they have to be racing each other.  I think the new one, Bugatti, the one with the racing stripe down her back, is faster than the larger, more docile, Nagini.  I think we named them well.

so cute squirrel
Way to cute not to share.  Looks like Dexter.

I know, I’m rambling once again, but what else do you do at this time of night? I’m certain there are others out there, especially in my age category, who suffer from this nasty thing called insomnia.  I have to say, I usually don’t, but I seem to have too many things on my mind again.  It is, however, very common for women of the mid 40-early 60’s to suffer with this dreaded insomnia.  It’s part of being women.  I always think back to before I had children, 20 beautiful years ago.  I could sleep through anything, then Emma was born and I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since.

I think that once a woman has a child, or even in the last part of pregnancy, you know, when you can’t get comfortable for anything , you say goodbye to sleeping well.  That time when you want to beat your husband with anything you can get ahold of because he’s sleeping soundly and says he didn’t sleep well the next day? Or, you watch them sleep.  You just sit and watch them sleep when you can’t.  Then they say they didn’t sleep well. GGgrrrrrr….

The boy about age 3 but such a cutie!

I still remember after I had my son and it was complicated afterwards, but Hubby was great! My c-section wound had opened up and my dutiful husband would get up when the boy would wake up, after I nudged incessantly to wake his happily sleeping, snoring form up from our bed.  He would go get the boy and bring him to me, then immediately fall back to the slumbering, snoring form.  He was known to say how little he slept, and I know he didn’t sleep like he had before, but I was the one not sleeping.  Darn breast feeding for that one!  But then one day, the boy only wanted daddy to cuddle and carry him through out our small house.  This became part of the nightly routine and sleep was lost.  The hubby was more tired than he had imagined being.

I wonder if he remembers that feeling now!  Now, he sleeps with a C-PAP machine which supplies constant air pressure to make the slumbering form next to me not snore and provides him a restful sleep.  He also doesn’t keep me awake with the thunderous, oncoming locomotive snore of previous years.  Sleep apnea was diagnosed several years ago and this machine is the stuff of the Gods! Anyone who snores like that should definitely have a sleep study done and get checked out.  You are risking your life, not just irritating the one you sleep next to.  Seriously.

Ah, blissful sleep.  In another 20 minutes, it will be time to feed the baby squirrel again.  Yes, it’s the rodents of the house that are keeping me awake this lovely evening.  That and I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, well, in 12 hours actually, that I’m rather concerned about.  It’s a follow up for my pancreas.  I’ve been waiting for this one and I want answers that I know I will only have to wait longer for.  Waiting truly sucks and I am impatient.  I want to know what this is and let’s get the party started and fix me already.  I’m going by myself too, by choice.  Hubs is working overtime and I don’t want him to lose out on it.  Maybe I should take dad.  I go to his appointments so why not take him to mine.  He is my daddy.  What do you think?  Yea or Nay?  Decisions.

Well, back to preparing baby squirrel formula and feeding him.  Hubs has his “Darth Vader”mask on.  Love that thing.  Maybe I’ll even think about sleeping for a few hours.  Who knows.  Wish me luck!