Hi Mom, I Miss You

This used to be one one of my favorite times of year, wI think the weather changing to crisp, autumn days and nights in need of cuddles, but last year something happened that changed , your life forever. My mom, my best friend, my mentor, had a hemorrhagic stroke on October 21st.  That day will forever be the day my world was turned upside down, never to be the same again. 

My mom was a woman of great strength to all who met her. She exuded energy and ultimately life itself. Never did anyone imagine that in a blink of an eye all that life would be changed and then lost just 5 short weeks later when she would take her last breath.  This was the woman I looked up to always for guidance. She wasn’t allowed to just not be here anymore. What was I supposed to do now?

This year has seen many changes brought on by the catalyst of mom leaving this world for the glory of heaven. I have changed and I hope for the better. I don’t take days for granted anymore or the joy of my family. I’ve switched jobs and I am no longer scared of change like I once was. I am happier in some ways, but the fact still remains that I am now, a motherless child. 

It makes no difference how old you are when  you lose your mom, you always need her. I was very fortunate to have her as long as I did. I know, because of  her strength and teachings, that life goes on and that there is still beauty in this world. Last November I wasn’t quite so sure as the days turned into weeks in the hospital. 

I am blessed that mom was here for me when I graduated high school and college, got married, had kids, got divorced, got remarried and had another child. I am blessed now that she is in heaven watching over all of us, probably having a good laugh most of the time and shaking her head the rest. the bottom line is, I am truly blessed. 

I still cry just not so much anymore. It helps me get through the pain that lingers still and I’m sure always will. We have made it through all the firsts with the exception of just a couple coming up. Her birthday and the first anniversary of her death. I still want to pick up the phone and call her. I always will. I miss her voice so much. I wish I could talk to her and hear her reactions to my stories. I so miss her laugh and her little clearing of her throat. I just miss her, but she remains in my heart, always.

My mom always said she would be my best friend someday when I was a teenager and I never believed her. Funny, she was right as always! I wish I was that smart with my kids!

Since mom’s death, I treasure my family even more than before. I drive even more safely. I don’t take unnecessary risks,  not that I did before,  but I’m not in a hurry to leave planet earth for a long time yet.  Maybe when I’m 90. Maybe, if the kids are okay. 

Coffee Time Already?

It’s a glorious fall morning on this particular Saturday. I may be a lover of the warm weather, but there is nothing like bundling up with my fleece jammies on and fuzzy socks and enjoying a hot cup of caramel brulee coffee under a blanket. It’s soul soothing in a way.

This time a year ago, I was spending my time in the hospital with my beloved mom. Yesterday was the 1st anniversary of her hemorrhagic stroke, a day that would change my life forever. When I was called by my daughter, I was told that grandma was in the ER and my husband and I went straight there. We never imagined what we would find. As I headed to the room to see her, still not sure what had happened, I was told I could not go in. I was still calm despite my fears.

My dad and brother were already there, of course. I’m the last one to be called since I have a family of my own and my brother is single. The boys, as I call them, are very close and very similar to beach other. I’m the girl, and mom and I were always close, very close. She was my best friend. 

We were shuffled off into a little room so that the doctor could talk to us about the stroke. The fact that mom was coherent when she came in and the cardiac workup was negative but that she started to lose her cognition and deteriorate rapidly finally led them to know it was a brain bleed, and unfortunately it was a big one. She was put on a ventilator and received what we referred to as a brain drain to keep the pressure down in her brain.

She amazingly started to recover slowly. I was so happy even though I knew, being a 20 veteran nurse, that she would never truly be exactly who she was before, but she was doing so well. She was sitting up and eating and talking after a long week. But then everything changed. 

Little did I know in October 21,2015 that on November 25,2015 at 12:38AM my beloved and blessed mom would leave this world. She fought and fought hard, but she had too many complications that mounted up against her. 

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. I don’t cry as often, but I do still cry. I can’t tell you how much I miss her. I miss her laugh, our long talks, her hugs, her advice wanted and unsolicited, her smell, her little cough, her hands. I miss everything about her. 

The pain is still there, but not so raw. I don’t think you ever get over the death of your mother. Not truly. Sure we move on and learn to live life again, but life will never quite be the same without her here. The good thing is, I know I have a angel watching over me because I know my mom has to be in heaven. She was the most beautiful and holy person I knew. I thank God for being blessed with such an awesome mom for all the years I had her here. If you still have your mom here, go give her a hug today. You never know when it will be the last hug you will get.

Prom, Show Tunes and Missing Mom

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Another night of sleeplessness.  I am so sick of insomnia.  If only I had it when it was convenient, like during the day!  I could sleep every afternoon, no problem, but that’s not going to work! Today was a fairly good day for me until later this afternoon, just before having to go take pictures for my daughter’s senior prom.  she looked stunning.  Granted, I’m her mother and I always think she’s stunning, but today, she was exceptionally stunning.  I started feeling a bit under the weather just before it was time to leave and felt that it was best for me to lay down and rest for a bit.  She was not pleased, but then again, I felt like a schmuck.  Loser mom.  I mean, who misses out on those once in a lifetime chances? Luckily, I have my backup, Hubs.image

My daughter had her daughter had her best friend come over this morning for the pre-prom preparations.  It started with coffee, then they did facials, nails, hair and makeup.  Our house was a magnificent and extremely messy beauty salon.  My oldest daughter is home for the weekend and joined in the preparations as well.  Such excitement!  The girls had show tunes blaring while they sang along during the various beauty treatments.  I even joined in as well.  Let me tell you about these girls.  They can sing and they sing REALLY well! They all have the voices of angels.  I have heard songs from Annie, Guys and Dolls, Wicked, Hairspray, Little Shop of Horrors, Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera and so many others.

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My Oldest Daughter had a lead in Guys and Dolls and when they played one of songs she sang, I got teary eyed and just started thinking about that show and then about my mom.  Mom flew from Florida 3 years ago to see Emma in that show.  She would have done the same this year to see Clare in her lead in Footloose.  Just thinking about it now makes me nostalgic, sentimental, and sad that she isn’t here.  She should be here for days like today.  Days where her granddaughters look so incredibly beautiful.  It’s just not fair.  It’s not fair that we have to lose our moms.  I need her.  I will always need her.

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And so, here I am, my tummy feeling a bit better than it was after a rest.  My oldest daughter out with her friend, my second daughter at her senior prom with her boyfriend and my youngest one gone for the weekend.  My home which used to be filled with so much craziness, has only Hubs and the Boy and me in it tonight.  I like the peace and quiet, but at the same time, I do sometimes miss the kids being little and needing their younger and more energetic mom. Sometimes.